Simona la Pistola

change agent•
natural redhead•
mother of pirates•
trained chef•urban planner•
homebody

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

Our advent calendar has been "misplaced" until the 23rd because mommy had the munchies and ate too many days 🤷‍♀️

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@_catherine_2 @arctictom74 @WinterRae82 YESSSS!!!! Fuck balloons. Balloons are terrifying.

Literally a vessel of anxiety.

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@milliondollrfam @daddydoubts My hero ♥️

[Matt. @MattTheBrand]

hm this person isn't doing what i want despite me thinking about it to myself and not communicating it to them at all

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@daddydoubts Hahaha!!!

*this bitch

Not the Shakespearean version

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@daddydoubts By best friend threatened to "left-eye all up in thus bitch" when her kids wouldn't clean last week.

She is my hero.

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

Listening to people complain about minimum wage being too high is disgusting

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@DuckingKissy Haha Haha! Those guys start at like 1 am

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@porpeeka Too early

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@RealMattymatt @StreetPunkGirl

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@RealMattymatt @StreetPunkGirl Aaand I just fell in love with you

[Stay at Homie @stayathomies]

I think a good wife is someone who doesn't slap the crap out of their husband when he clears his stupid throat for the 10th time in a row instead of coughing like a normal person.

This is not referencing anyone in particular. I swear.

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

Damn. Scary realization.

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@rebbeckles Oh Canada?? What are rollup the rim cups?

[Bison @FunnyBison]

HOST: This is my famous artichoke dip. It has...
ME: Wait, do I HAVE to listen to the recipe before you let me eat it?
HOST:
ME: ugh, just make it quick

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@Plexomatic Oh my!! How old is he?? This is amazing!

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@momoftwocats @8goingon80 @BettieRiot @zeppelin30188 @kimbermahree @ShyKitten7 @THE_shitface @MiseryHighlight @IronArn72 @hopper_m @creaturelives33 @ZandEDad @StephiHill @berozgarKisan @Jessiedoll22 @Vinnierussoo @sundaywithsandy @SpringByrum @beckresc @MomHatter @Jeremysgirl5150 @of_ramblings @Toddler2Talk @ICantEven01 @moderndadpages @DadFiction @WKQualls @IrishIsRsmiling @jdstalnaked @sarcasimandsass @dad_on_my_feet @teheTina @ErinGoddard7 @KristinaNadia @GGraphicsinc @judyohtweets @MadDogLane1984 @wordfromamabird @Eaco_M @I_am_aspen @VinoHawk12 @CraftBeerJillyB @iameleejohnson @etcor01 @klsmd12 @Gamzplayah @Mr_Spikey_Head @lovejulieacafe @LicensedtoDad @DuckingKissy Don't worry! I saw this on YouTube

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

"... if you've got The Fox News Brain, it's a binary: either you're a freedom-loving all-American capitalist, or you want to live in Venezuela. The solution to I just lost my job to automation is not 'Freedom!'"

https://t.co/TSB6Yc3NvO

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@ThugRaccoons That's what Mary gets for putting mint jelly on her lamb 🤮

[Simona la Pistola @Simona06128698]

@Ortho What do pets have to do with your poison? Oh wait...IT KILLS THEM!