Not Keef Downie

Parody account for Slow Sports’ own, Keith Downie.

Not affiliated with actual Sky Sports, or the man himself, purely a parody.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨 EXCL: #NUFC have had to send a private jet out to Stuttgart to pick up Andy Howe, the club completely forgot they had sent him out there.

✍🏻 He was ‘instructed’ to conduct talks with VfB Stuttgart over the signing of Bilal El Khannouss, however my sources at Sky are suggesting it was merely just to keep him out of the way of the real negotiations.

😳 The club now are said to be slightly embarrassed by the whole ordeal as they never booked a return flight for him, and never gave him the club’s credit card for expenses, so he was left stranded, the club’s staff woke up to 69 missed calls from Andy this morning. 🤯

🛫 The plane is due to take off shortly, with Andy on board.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

✍🏻 Newcastle United are pleased to announce the signing of Lewis Hall from Man U on a free transfer.

😳 No idea why they’d let him go on a free after spending only £40m on him just this summer, especially with Luke Shaw currently injured.

😡 I do hope this puts that Aussie nonce @AdamJoseph and that annoying accent cretin @bethTmufc into the worst depressive episode possible. #NUFC

[Newcastle United @NUFC]

Lewis Hall's journey continues 💪

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

Can confirm that if you have any allergies to any animals that may be taken in, you will have to stay home and transfer your ticket to a friend or family.

This includes Joe Willock who will unfortunately be unavailable for the fixture. #NUFC

[Francis @FrancisChipp]

Newcastle United vs Hull City on September 12th will be the first annual Bring Your Pet to the Match day.

Fans will be encouraged to bring their pet to SJP so it can experience the matchday atmosphere
.
This follows a dog being spotted in the away end at Millwall in the Carabao Cup on Wednesday evening.

• One pet per fan
• Hazardous pets must not be left unattended.
• No feeding will be permitted inside the stadium.
• Pre-approval must be given for animals larger than a horse.
• All waste MUST be removed on departure.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🎤 I spoke with Matthias Jaissle last night regarding the air traffic issues which have been impacting flights recently.

🗣️ MJ: “I wish this had happened last week, we could’ve left Andy Howe in Germany”

🤮 He has informed me AH likes to eat Wotsits and Quavers instead of actual meals whilst on-site at the Newcastle United training ground and he wishes he didn’t turn up. MJ has said that he stinks like feet all of the time, and he just doesn’t like him. #NUFC

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

Again, please only trust real journalists like myself, instead of these pages. #NUFC

[Transfer News Live @DeadlineDayLive]

🚨 Newcastle United could theoretically offer Karim Benzema a route back to European football due to their PIF ownership.

There are currently no talks, offers or indication that Newcastle are actively trying to sign the 38-year-old.

Benzema is a free agent but remains tied to Saudi Arabia through a PIF-linked ambassadorial agreement until 2030.

(Source: @Sport_Witness)

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

Just want to check if the Man U stand people are okay with this?

[Ben Jacobs @JacobsBen]

Lewis Hall set to sign a new Newcastle United contract after reaching an agreement with the club.

Hall understood to be impressed by new manager Matthias Jaissle, and extension talks have accelerated over the past few weeks.

Extending Hall a priority for sporting director Ross Wilson.⚫️

🤝 @alex_crook

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@PekkTinNUFC https://t.co/CuEXPyGwSZ

Should’ve used me as the source 😢

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨EXCL: Lewis Hall has signed a two-year extension to his contract on improved terms. Will take the United defender to 2031 with the club.

This should put an end to the interest from Man U, even if it is just weird ‘content creators’ pushing this narrative and fake journalists like Ben Jacobs who is a weird, speccy mong and gives real journalists, like me, a bad name. #NUFC

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨EXCL: Lewis Hall has signed a two-year extension to his contract on improved terms. Will take the United defender to 2031 with the club.

This should put an end to the interest from Man U, even if it is just weird ‘content creators’ pushing this narrative and fake journalists like Ben Jacobs who is a weird, speccy mong and gives real journalists, like me, a bad name. #NUFC

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨EXCL: Rob Jones is a massive roided up cunt. #NUFC

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@BSRobsonNE @NUFC I’m sorry Magpie Media (I’d like to see you login to your account, mate as well actually)

That is my job around here. Back off my territory.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@Scott_Pert Sorry, my sources confirm he’s a United fan, he doesn’t want to join or play for Man U and wants to continue at United. Sit this one out you cretin.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@JH37777 It’s because I’m not allowed on, as I work for Sky. That, and also I’d have to pipe Lynsey instead of being able to work.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🤩 Matthias Jaissle is a big fan of Knox.

❓ And who can blame him?

💪 The same science-backed hydration trusted by elite professionals is made for everyday life, whether you’re training hard, working long hours, recovering after a workout, traveling, or simply looking to feel and perform better every day. From top-tier athletes to everyday achievers, KNOX helps fuel better hydration, faster recovery, and peak performance for anyone committed to being their best.

#NUFC #KnoxHydrate

[Dan @DanNUFC23]

😂😂 god I love the bloke

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨 EXCL: As part of the investigation, Northumbria Police have spoken with Newcastle United.

⛑️ Unfortunately Lewis Hall has been taken into witness protection and will be unavailable until after the conclusion of the upcoming international break.

🦘 Adam Joseph had hired a company who specialises in ‘Kangaroo Kombat’ and had sent 20,000 Kangaroos to the North East via cruise ship. Northumbria Police are working closely with the Australian government to apprehend the suspect and take down the ship before it reaches England.

🇳🇬 Beth has escaped to Nigeria in Africa, after Man U’s fans contacted her to offer her a safe passage to be with the vast majority of the club’s fans, which is of course, away from the actual city the club are based in. #NUFC

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@redmond1973 @x1892xJordan @Nufc_ac @PekkTinNUFC I no longer get free drinks at SJP now that Howe has left. Disgraceful conduct.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨EXCL: Al-Ittihad are in talks with Sunderland over a move for Chemsdine Talbi.
🇲🇦 🇸🇦The Moroccan international is free to move to the Saudi Pro League now as their window is still open, which is quite funny as #SAFC cannot replace him now the window is closed in England.
🩸💰 However, a stumbling block in the deal is the ethically perfect Panda Pop connoisseurs are against any money from Saudi, at all. In fact, there has been outrage at the local Nissan factory, where all staff on backshift are said to have revolted against this news. 😡
🤝 To sweeten the deal, the Saudi club have insisted the money is ethically sound, in fact they said it is spare change from the sale of £100m Italian midfielder, Sandro Tonali from their neighbours, #NUFC
📅 Talbi hasn’t been named in #SAFC  European squad due to him being subject of those talks with Al-Ittihad.
💰 The 21-year-old winger joined Sunderland from Club Brugges for £18m last summer.
✍🏼 Story with @PukeEdwardsTele

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@LukeEdwardsTele Luke, can you leave journalism to the real reporters, like myself. You’re giving the profession a bad name, pal.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

@LukeEdwardsTele Luke, can you leave journalism to the real reporters, like myself. You’re giving the profession a bad name, pal.

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨 EXCL: As part of the investigation, Northumbria Police have spoken with Newcastle United.

⛑️ Unfortunately Lewis Hall has been taken into witness protection and will be unavailable until after the conclusion of the upcoming international break.

🦘 Adam Joseph had hired a company who specialises in ‘Kangaroo Kombat’ and had sent 20,000 Kangaroos to the North East via cruise ship. Northumbria Police are working closely with the Australian government to apprehend the suspect and take down the ship before it reaches England.

🇳🇬 Beth has escaped to Nigeria in Africa, after Man U’s fans contacted her to offer her a safe passage to be with the vast majority of the club’s fans, which is of course, away from the actual city the club are based in. #NUFC

[Not Keef Downie @SlowSports_Keef]

🚨 EXCL: Lewis Hall has spoken with Northumbria Police over the past 48 hours in relation to constant harassment and digital stalking.

🫣 His parents are worried that their little superstar is being targeted online by people with no friends, not allowing him to concentrate on playing for United.

🗣️He has put forward two names, who have a small internet following that somehow makes them think they’re important and above the law.

🚨 I can reveal to you exclusively via my sources at Sky, that the two people in question are @AdamJoseph and @bethTmufc.

🚓 Northumbria Police have reached out to the AFP in relation to Adam Joseph, as he isn’t even based in Manchester 🤯

🤐 Beth, who we believe is one of the hosts on the Man U stand, or whatever it’s called, the target audience, of course, is plastic African fans, was unavailable for comment earlier, which is a good thing, as her accent is bloody dreadful.

🚨 I’ll bring you more on this when I get it. #NUFC #ManU