Samuel Morris

[Jaxson Blart: Mall Cop @jwsrebs]

1-0 with blind-Korn runout @coljacktreehorn

[Los Angeles Chargers @chargers]

Should we REALLY make our schedule release video an anime?

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

[Emma Manzini @EmmaManzini]

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

[palmer @decentbirthday]

they could be lying about the three cheeses in this macaroni. i’d have no idea

[palmer @decentbirthday]

Flight: *departs at 1PM*

My dad at 6AM:

[Nathan @OIuwatosin]

There’s this guy at the gym that I frankly thought was possessed, schizophrenic or something. Some days he’d be super friendly, other days he’d be cold like he never knew me

Found out today he’s an identical twin

[kira 👾 @kirawontmiss]

Voldemort was grown as heII beefing with a 12 year old

[Dai Dreemurr @dai_dreemurr]

Corona virus diary, day 5:
No one has talked to me in 9 months

[Cam @Cxmaron]

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap

[luke warm tweets @lukejarret]

STOP👏WASTING👏FIREFIGHTERS’👏TIME👏GETTING👏CATS👏OUT👏OF👏TREES👏EMPLOY👏GIRAFFES👏TO👏DO👏IT👏UNLESS👏GIRAFFES👏WOULD👏EAT👏THE👏CATS👏I👏DIDN’T👏DO👏THE👏RESEARCH👏

[αυѕтιη ѕнσ¢кℓєу 🎡 @austinshockley3]

if white people cant say the n word then black people cant say whoopsie daisy

[Modern Adult @adultproblem]

Adulthood is making an involuntary grunt when you do anything that involves movement

[Mandypants🖤🕷 @MandypantsD1234]

“So what is it like to own a Shiba?”

[Rads @_radsy]

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, here's a gentle reminder that the moon's diameter is 3,475km and you could not have fucked this up more

[dougcept @matthewfghjkl]

Me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the one on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my fucking god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my fucking milk