Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department

Parody account. Serving Southern Pungo above and below the waterline since 1706. The lights are not our jurisdiction. Non-emergency line: [phone].

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

The Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department has established a presence on this platform for the purpose of public information. Residents are asked to review the following: the marsh is not our jurisdiction below the waterline. Facing east is not a crime. The non-emergency line may answer in your voice. This is normal. — Office of the Sheriff

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

CASE #0001 — SUPPLEMENTAL. Caller (name withheld, per policy) reports a woman standing at the waterline near the marker. Colonial dress. No footprints after. Dispatch cross-referenced the description against the 1706 filing. It matched. Forwarded to Records Room B.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

CASE #0001 — SUPPLEMENTAL. Six days out from Observance. This morning's low tide exposed the ducking marker — submerged since the seal was recast in 1987. Dep. Ashby confirmed the stone, then confirmed he had not touched it. Tide chart retained as attachment. Case remains open.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

WEEKEND SUMMARY — Sunday, 12 July

Between Saturday evening and this morning, the Department received eleven calls reporting a woman in white within the jurisdiction. Locations include Muddy Creek Road at the pasture fence, Indian River Road near the produce stand, the Observance parking field, and the footpath to the Causeway Box.
The first call was received Saturday at 7:19 PM. The Observance wrap was removed from Unit 17, by hand, at 7:00. The Department notes the interval and declines to interpret it.

Descriptions are consistent: a woman in white, alone, on foot, unhurried, seen at a distance. Her dress dry, except at the hem. In every instance she was gone on arrival, which responding deputies wish noted is not the same as having left.
Callers asked what she appeared to be doing. The answers agree: walking the fence lines, looking at the fields and the water, in the manner of someone remembering the way. One caller, asked to describe her expression, stated she looked like someone who had been told she could go.

Several callers offered a name. The name has not been entered.

The Department will not be opening a file. This office maintains one file concerning a woman and the water. It is Case No. 0001. It is open. It is enough.

Residents who encounter her are asked to do as deputies have been ordered: stop, stand aside, remove your hat if you wear one, and let her pass. Do not photograph her. Do not follow her. Do not offer assistance; nothing she requires was ever ours to give.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

SOUTHERN PUNGO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT
OFFICE OF THE CHIEF DEPUTY — PRESS RELEASE
July 10, 2026 — For immediate release

RE: CANCELLATION OF THE 2026 FOUNDERS' OBSERVANCE; PAGEANT CERTIFICATION; WEATHER

The 2026 Founders' Observance, scheduled for this evening at the Viewing Area, is canceled due to weather. The weather arrived at 3:11 AM and has remained stationary over the Viewing Area since, in violation of several conventions the Department understood to be binding on weather. Today marks 320 years since the county was incorporated by water. The Department notes the anniversary, and the weather's apparent awareness of it.
The results of the Miss Southern Pungo Grace Sherwood 2026 poll are hereby certified. Yes prevailed. Contacted to confirm acceptance of the title, Yes answered. The crowning is postponed to a date Yes has already selected and will disclose when appropriate.

Since 4:00 AM, Dispatch has received eleven reports of a woman on the water off the marsh line, proceeding without a vessel and, per callers, without difficulty. Residents are reminded that Case #0001 remains open, that the Department found against itself in 1706, and that the individual described is not a suspect in anything. All eleven callers described her as unbothered. This has been entered with some relief.

At 5:40 AM, precipitation over Kight's Pasture briefly included frogs. The frogs landed unharmed, assembled, and departed south toward the Treeline, at which point they ceased to be the Department's concern. Mr. Kight has asked that the frogs be counted toward his annual rainfall total. The request is under review.

Orbs have been observed above the marsh since approximately 8:00 PM yesterday. Detective Braddock (Detective Bureau, entire) attributes the orbs to swamp gas. His report acknowledges that swamp gas does not typically hold formation, maintain spacing, or wait, and attributes these behaviors to wind. The report has been accepted as an attachment. The number of orbs is known to the Department and is not being released at this time.

K-9 Boaz also participated in the orb investigation and is commended. Boaz located and alerted on the phenomenon without at any point facing east, which the Department considers the professional standard. Boaz's conclusion differs from Detective Braddock's. Both are retained. A notation will be appended to his record.

The wreath will be shown to the water at a later date. The water has been made aware. The seat will remain empty regardless of venue.

Residents near the Viewing Area this evening may observe the Observance proceeding at its scheduled time. Attendance is canceled. The Observance is not. No further action will be taken tonight.

[phone] — non-emergency only. The Department is closed July 10. This release was prepared accordingly.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

@CityofVaBeach The Department also maintains a 100-foot advisory at the marsh line. The distance was not set by the Department.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

Unit 17 in the 320th Observance wrap. The mural depicts the marsh and the lovely marsh Southern Pungo is famous for. The lights in the mural were counted during application and again this morning. The counts differ.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

The Department was consulted regarding whether the lights might relocate to the property in question and has completed its review. The lights have not deviated from their positions in three hundred and twenty years of records. The Department takes no position on the sale and notes only that the lights were not consulted, and have never needed to be.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

TRAFFIC & PARKING ADVISORY — FOUNDERS' OBSERVANCE, FRIDAY 10 JULY

Visitors are advised of the following arrangements for Friday's Observance at the Causeway Box.

PARKING — Visitor parking is available in the field adjacent to the Causeway Box, the land having consented to a one-day arrangement. The arrangement covers parking only. Deputies will direct vehicles to their spaces. Follow all directions from officers, including the directions that seem longer than necessary. They are necessary.

ROAD CLOSURE — Soggy Bottom Road may close without notice, depending on the bottom. Should closure occur, deputies will establish a detour. The detour has already been drafted, which residents will understand is not the Department's usual relationship to events.

WEATHER — Rain is expected. A covered area will be available adjacent to the seating. The Observance is held facing the water regardless of what the water is doing.

TRAFFIC GUIDANCE — Deputies directing traffic will use YELLOW flashlights. The Department wishes to be unambiguous on the following point: any GREEN lights observed in or near the roadway are not deputies, are not directing traffic, and should not be followed. Vehicles that have followed a green light should stop, remain in the vehicle, and use the non-emergency line. Do not correct the voice that answers.

FOR VISITORS FROM OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION — The jurisdiction's only traffic signal is located in the vicinity of Bos Street, approximately eight miles from the event. It will not assist you. It is mentioned here so that visitors do not wait for one closer. There is not one closer.

The Department thanks the public in advance for its cooperation, and reminds everyone that the Observance is conducted in silence, which begins in the parking field.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

MORNING BLOTTER — Wednesday, 8 July
A slow night, which the Department notes with gratitude and no confidence.

2:47 AM — Caller reported suspected fireworks over the marsh: low, pale, ongoing. The responding deputy confirmed the lights are not fireworks, and are not suspicious, as they are behaving exactly as they always have. The caller was advised of the standing guidance. The caller stated that one of the lights was "closer than the others get." This has been entered into the file. The annual census will be taken early this year.

Photograph taken during the 2:47 AM response. The responding deputy reports the closer light maintained its distance for the duration of the response, which the deputy notes is not the same as keeping it. Appended to the file. The census begins Thursday.

ADVISORY — Overnight, the seating staged at the Causeway Box ahead of Friday's Founders' Observance was reversed. Every chair was found at dawn facing away from the water. Volunteers are reminded of the standing instruction not to adjust chairs that are already facing the water; no instruction exists for chairs found otherwise, and one is being drafted. The chairs have been returned. The Department notes, for whoever is responsible, that the Observance is Friday, that attendance is welcome, and that turning the chairs is unnecessary, as a seat is left empty every year and always will be.

REMINDER — Voting continues for Miss Southern Pungo Grace Sherwood 2026. All four certified candidates appear in the poll. The Department does not endorse candidates. It notes only that one candidate already knows how you voted, and that this should not influence you, although it will. Please submit your votes to the previously posted social media release.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

SOUTHERN PUNGO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT

INCIDENT REPORT — Case No. 1706-J-004

Date of report: 04 July 2026 Time of initial response: 0333 hours Reporting deputy: Dep. C. Ashby (Probationary) Assisting: Dep. J. Pyle (Below Division) Reviewing supervisor: Chief Deputy V. Hollis
NATURE OF CALLS: Multiple reports of fireworks over the Back Bay marsh; one report of peculiar livestock behavior, Kight's Pasture, Muddy Creek Road.
NARRATIVE:
Beginning at 0311 hours, during the Department's daily closure, the non-emergency line began receiving calls regarding fireworks over the marsh. Callers described the display as low over the water, pale in color, and ongoing. Several callers noted, with varying degrees of concern, that the display did not conclude. Calls were queued during the closure and services resumed at 0326. Response was initiated at 0333, the delay of seven minutes being attributable to Deputy Ashby's vehicle, which required persuading.
The initial holiday attribution was reasonable, the date being what it is. It did not survive contact with the marsh.

Deputies arrived at the Viewing Area at 0341 and observed the reported display. The following determinations were made on scene. The lights produced no report. The lights produced no smoke and left no debris. The lights did not ascend, descend, burst, or fade. They were present in the manner of things that have been present for some time. Deputy Ashby counted seventeen. The count is unofficial. Deputy Pyle observed the water beneath the lights and has filed his findings separately, in two reports, per Division practice.

It was the determination of responding deputies that the display was not fireworks, and further that it was not a display, and further that it was not, in the jurisdictional sense, ours. Complainants reached by phone were advised of the standing guidance: the lights are not to be followed and not to be named, and residents who have been named should use the non-emergency line during counter hours.

While en route, deputies passed Kight's Pasture and observed the herd standing silent at the east fence. Fireworks were at that time audible from the direction of Pungo Village. The herd did not startle at the reports and did not regard them. Mr. W. Kight was present at the fence line in his nightclothes and stated for the record: "They're not watching the fireworks." Deputies confirmed the herd was not watching the fireworks. What the herd was watching has been entered into the file as the marsh, pending a better answer. Mr. Kight was advised to go inside. Mr. Kight declined, and remained at the fence in the posture of his cattle, which is noted here without further comment because no further comment improves it.

DISPOSITION: No crime occurred. No ordinance governs the conduct observed. The lights concluded their business at 0417 or did not; deputies were unable to establish which, and elected to resume patrol rather than wait to be corrected. No further action taken.

SUPERVISOR'S ADDENDUM (V. Hollis):

Upon review of this report and of the volume of calls received during the closure, the Sheriff has directed, through this office, that the Department establish a public information presence on social media, so that official guidance may reach residents during hours when the Department is closed — including, the Sheriff notes, the hours events in this jurisdiction have historically preferred. The Public Information Officer is directed to implement.

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE: All personnel and residents are reminded that Department offices will be closed Friday, 10 July, for Founders' Observance. The observance is held at 1000 hours at the Causeway Box, in silence, facing the water. The Causeway Box will remain staffed through the weekend. Records Room B will be open when found.

Filed, Records Room B.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

SOUTHERN PUNGO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT
MORNING BLOTTER — Monday, July 6, 2026

Filings for the 24 hours ending 0800. Serving Above and Below.
Sunday was closed; the marsh handled Sunday. The following was held for Monday filing, in the order received.

1706-J002 — Debris, Post-Holiday (Indian River Rd). Multiple residents reported spent fireworks along the shoulder. Deputy Meekins recovered nine casings. Records logged eleven. The two additional casings were warm and of a type not sold in the Commonwealth since the nineteenth century. All eleven were catalogued. No further action was taken; the shoulder was left as found, which is to say cleaner than it began.

1706-B061 — Raccoons, Enumerated (1706 Cutgrass Ln). A resident reported raccoons in the HQ crawlspace. Deputy Ashby responded and counted them. The count returned a whole number. This was noted, at some length, as reassuring. The animals were offered the treeline side of the lot, which they declined, and the marsh side, which they accepted. No crime occurred.

1706-B058 — Raccoon, Seated (The Causeway Box). Deputy Pyle relieved the overnight chair and found it occupied by one raccoon, facing the water. The chair faces the water. The animal was not disturbed. Deputy Pyle filed two reports per practice: one for the raccoon, and one for what the raccoon was watching. The second report is longer.

1706-A017 — Scarecrow, Weekly (D. Pruitt, Cutgrass Ln). Mr. Pruitt's Monday report was received at 0612. The neighbor's scarecrow is logged at 40 feet, down from 41 the prior week. The series remains monotonic. No crime has occurred. "Yet" remains in the record at Mr. Pruitt's standing request. The projected arrival date was recalculated and, per policy, not published.

1706-E009 — Odor, No Source (E. Parr, Indian River Rd). Mrs. Parr reported the smell of a cookout from her own yard, with no cookout, no smoke, and no guests. The house declines comment through counsel. The land, separately represented, also declines. The matter was logged as holiday-adjacent and referred to the appropriate office.

1706-L013 — Lights, July (Back Bay marsh line). The nightly census was attempted at peak season and returned, as it has every July since records begin, a number that is not whole. One resident reported that a light addressed her by name. She was advised that if a light names you, that is a non-emergency, and directed to [phone]. She reported the light had already called and left no number. Not our jurisdiction. Deputies did not follow, and did not name.

Quiet Quarter Note. Between 3:11 and 3:26 AM the building was in use and the Department did not respond, as it does not. A matter occurred in that window, jurisdiction-wide. It has been measured and is documented under separate release. The Department thanks the herd for its patience and the public for thinking of it.

Filed by order of Chief Deputy V. Hollis, Above Division. No further action taken. Offices reopen at 8 AM. The non-emergency line is [phone] and may answer in your voice; this is normal.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

@GhostsofDC The Department extends professional courtesy to our counterparts in Prince George's County, Maryland, and notes with some relief that the individual has never been documented south of the Chesapeake. The Department attributes this to the toll.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

@outsidercore1 Not our jurisdiction, and the Department has confirmed the jurisdiction it belongs to would prefer not to be contacted about it.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

@WAVY_News The Department extends professional courtesy to the City of Norfolk and offers one piece of guidance from our records: do not schedule the demolition. Let the building believe the date is its own idea.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

The Department has been approached regarding data center suitability within the jurisdiction. The inquiry was forwarded to the land. The land declined, citing a change in its circumstances. The Department considers the matter closed and is grateful it did not have to be the one to say no.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

VOTE NOW for one of the four candidates for Miss Southern Pungo Grace Sherwood 2026!

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

NOTICE OF PUBLIC VOTE. The Selection Committee has certified four candidates for Miss Southern Pungo Grace Sherwood 2026. The titleholder serves one year, rides in no parades, and holds one official duty: on July 10, she sits beside the empty seat, so that it is not alone. Voting is open below. Voting is legal.

The candidates: (L to R)

Brooke Callahan — Born at Portsmouth Naval, raised across nine duty stations, settled in Pungo four years ago and calls it her first permanent address. The address has confirmed this.

Tammy Jo Kight — Seventh-generation Southern Pungo, of the Kight's Pasture Kights. Her talent is knowing which way the herd will face tomorrow, a skill the Department has asked her to stop demonstrating.

Mercy Ashby — Older sister of Deputy C. Ashby. The lights have named her twice; on both occasions she called the non-emergency line herself, filed correctly, and thanked it in her own voice.

Yes — The fourth candidate's form lists her name as Yes. The Department has verified she is enumerable, which was a relief, and confirms that voting for her is permitted and that she knows how you voted.

[Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department @SouthernPungoSD]

# THE PUNGO INTELLIGENCER
*Serving the Southern Reaches Since Records Begin*

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## Sheriff's Department Seeks Volunteers Ahead of Friday's Founders' Observance

**SOUTHERN PUNGO — Staff Report**

The Southern Pungo Sheriff's Department has issued a call for community volunteers to assist with setup for Friday's Founders' Observance, the annual closure marking the Department's establishment on July 10, 1706.

Sheriff Harmon P. Tull, communicating as is customary through Chief Deputy Verna Hollis, said the Department is grateful for the community's long tradition of assistance. "The Sheriff wishes it known that the Department does not celebrate on July tenth," Hollis said. "It attends. Those who wish to attend alongside it are welcome, and those who wish to help are asked to arrive early and to read the sign-up form in full, including the bottom."

Volunteers are needed for the following details:

**Chair placement.** Folding chairs will be set at the Causeway Box beginning at 6 a.m. All chairs face the water. Volunteers are asked not to adjust chairs that are already facing the water upon arrival, regardless of whether chairs were present the evening prior.

**Wreath transport.** One wreath is carried from Department headquarters on Cutgrass Lane to the waterline. The wreath is not placed in the water. It is shown to the water, and returned.

**Lantern watch.** The Causeway Box lantern will be tended from dusk Thursday through dawn Saturday. The lantern does not require lighting. Volunteers on this detail are asked simply to sit with it.

**Refreshments.** Coffee and light fare will be provided following the observance. Per long-standing tradition and on the advice of counsel, strawberries will not be served.

Chief Deputy Hollis emphasized that all volunteer applicants will be verified through the Department's standard process, which she described as brief. "Applicants will be counted," Hollis said. "Applicants should expect to be counted more than once. When the count returns the same whole number twice, processing is complete." The Department noted that red aprons will not be provided, are not part of any volunteer detail, and should not be brought from home.

The observance itself begins at 10 a.m. Friday, the documented hour, and is conducted in silence, facing the water. Inside Department headquarters, one seat in the records room will be left empty, and the ledger will be open to the first page, where it has been open every July 10 for three hundred and twenty years. The Department's oldest case, opened that morning in 1706, remains open. Asked whether the case would ever be closed, Hollis said the Department does not presume, and declined further comment in a manner the Intelligencer found difficult to transcribe.

Parking will be available in the field adjacent to the Causeway Box, the land having consented to a one-day arrangement.

Residents with questions may contact the Department's non-emergency line at [phone] during counter hours. Callers are reminded the line may answer in their own voice, that this is normal, and that Friday of all days it should be spoken to kindly.

*The Pungo Intelligencer is a fictional publication of a fictional jurisdiction. Parody.*