Calvin

Spaceman Spiff spins out of control above the vile wasteland known as Twitter. Will he survive?!?

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

Hobbes & i are gunna sled off the roof, if anyone wants to come admire our grit.

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

If we’re not supposed to pick our nose, then why do my big toes fit perfectly into my nostrils

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

You wouldn’t think nacho cheese would taste good on sushi, and in a lot of ways it doesn’t.

[Piece @Piecezilla]

Memorial Day weekend is for honoring those who died in service to our country by purchasing a new mattress (rest in peace) 🇺🇸

[Piece @Piecezilla]

It's called Greek yogurt because it tastes like ass.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

When I was young I was poor. But after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Exactly what someone who did start the fire would say, tbh

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

The Hantavirus is two days old and I've already eaten all of my toilet paper reserves.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

All these little cuts on my hands. Looks like I've been sleep-roofing again.

[Mark @AgingRanchHand]

Mail man is trying to tell me I don't have to curtsy when I see him

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

@Piecezilla Amen brother

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

Please know i’m in your corner (also in time out)

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

Our chicken is raised without antibiotics! That's right, we let those fuckers' infections just fester the ~natural way~

[fishious @fishquichee]

(Making small talk) are you real

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Once we get all these countries sorted out I'll buy you a new globe.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

This is my new walking stick. It’s name is Atonement.

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

Boomers be like “This soup is ORGANIC” but they poured it hot into Tupperware from the ‘90s. ☠️

[Louise Jensen Duffy (also Ernest Jensen) @LouiseWeebe]

I was accused of having no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

[Hatfield family meeting] Any old feuds? Any new feuds that aren't a rehash of an old feud?

[Calvin @SpiffyCalvin]

A ginormous cardboard box is such a Resource