Stacey

Not a Rockstar, but I still seem like one.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Everyone's a gangster until you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Not to upset anyone but I threw away a perfectly good cardboard box today.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

You named your baby Barbara? Does she drink gin?

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

Is it just me or does everything feel like a scam

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Aliens: we have decided to reveal ourselves.

Twitter: your mom reveals herself.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Vacations are great but have you ever sat around doing nothing for free.

[joji @jojipaints]

no babe I was listening it’s just there’s a tiny little speck of lint on my jeans and I must take care of that

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

It's International Women's Day and I can't wait to go pick up my free women

[meghan @deloisivete]

Protein drink? You mean prosecco and a piece of cheese

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Has anyone ever thought to ask the daylight if it even wants to be saved.

[Brown Eyed Girl @Browneyes5152]

I try to find the good in every situation.

Sorry, that was a typo. I meant food. I try to find the food in every situation.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

"I just want to be left alone" deciphered means, "I actually do have an opinion but it's none of your business and I'm not telling you" which is the way it's been from the beginning of time until 2016.

[Daz? @HomeProbably]

“Are you awake?” has got to be one of the most annoying questions on the planet.

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

Florence + the Machine is just angry 10,000 Maniacs.

[єℓαιηє @elainesim28]

This morning my daughter said her ear hurt and I said on the inside or outside, so she walks out the front door, comes back in and says both.
Moments like this has me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Vegans are like "you can get all of your protein from plants" and then don't do it.

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

I have accumulated an alarming number of emergency sympathy cards.

HallmarkProblems#

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

If you never listen to me again, listen to this. You think your 20s are for fucking around. They aren't. Work hard in your 20s so you can fuck around in your 40s and beyond. Don't be like me.

Please heed this advice

[Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom]

“Wow you think you know a person…”

-me scrolling through my own tweets