Stealthy Mommy

Full-time therapist, overtime mom, per diem wife.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

I’m impressed that this #nothotdog app works on tiny people. #SiliconValley

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Kid: Daddy is a cutesy hamster!

Me: Aww that’s nice.

Kid: Because hamsters are cute and fat.

🤣🤣🤣

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

@maughammom Comeback: Yes, a skunk mate.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

My child likes big books and she cannot lie.
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.
#reading #book #ilike

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

I lost (ditched) my family in Whole Foods and I’m having the most relaxing time of my life. #metime

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

@soccermom23 @RockysPride No wonder old people pester their adult kids for grandkids:

“You are not cute anymore. Go give me cute babies to play with!”

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Husband: Chicken liver is like yoga. Looks good but it’s boring once you tried it. And you can’t even finish it.

So there you have it. Yoga is like chopped liver.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

@notacroc Jimmy Chonga

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

@SameeranBV Eh. It’s the cost of doing business (of having kids). There are some sweet moments...like when they are sleeping.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Parenting Highlight: My 5yo twins busted into the bathroom while I’m showering, “Oh it’s mother with her utters! Wahahaha!”

#parenting #momlife

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

@elonmusk You mean like this but for people and cyclists?

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Husband: Aww...I thought this is a bible story about meat, not a recipe book.

Me: Really? You expected Adam and Beef?

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

“I love hos” and “I love coke”...I better tighten up my 5yo’s writing and spelling.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

5-year-old: Am I grown-up yet?

Me: Are you tired?

5: No.

Me: You aren't a grown-up.

[Salty Mermaid Entertainment @saltymermaident]

Get up at 4 in the morning. You'll still be late. Because kids.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Not sure if I lost weight or just stretched out my clothes.

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

I wore my husband’s deodorant today and so far I’ve played a pick up game of basketball, eaten a dozen hot wings, and told 8 women they were hot.

I’m drunk with the power of Irish Spring.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

I don't have much time in the morning so I'm considering eating breakfast the night before.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Got 5yo twins here:

D1: (Hand me a brown morsel) Mom, it’s for you.

D2: It’s chocolate! We love you!

It’s not chocolate.

The end.

[Stealthy Mommy @StealthyMommy]

Is Metamucil salad? Asking for a friend.