Suvin Vinura

Misplaced my knitting equipment at Coachella.

[Suvin Vinura @SuvieDC]

*interrupts 2 strangers having a conversation on the bus* are you guys mad at me?

[♍︎ @jhilikeye]

Nigerians speak so poetic when they’re upset 😭 instead of saying “I’m mad” they’ll say “my enemies have succeeded” LMAO

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[porn director pulls me aside] you gotta quit saying "golly"

[Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_]

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

[Jemaine Clement @AJemaineClement]

Easy to talk shit about them when they're not around.

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

date: um the blue one
me: so your favorite ninja turtle is [sighs so hard] the blue one?

[batkaren (a/k/a kt roth) @batkaren]

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

[Rachel @femaleredhead]

sorry i’m late there was this fucking cargo ship

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

me (robbing a bank): everybody put ur pants in the air

bank teller: what'd u just say

me: i meant hands. i misspoke

bank teller: this motherfucker said pants lol

me: shut up

the hacker guy for the heist in my earpiece: ur losing them

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

me: wow is that a mocking bird

mocking bird: "WoW iS tHaT a MoCkInG bIrD" fuck you

[brent @murrman5]

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

[brent @murrman5]

[me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha
[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

[Bridger Winegar @bridger_w]

If you need someone to respond to your texts quickly, start by sending a message that just says, "I trusted you"

[Ciara Knight @Ciara_Knight]

The postman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

[brent @murrman5]

me: there were two controllers
firefighter holding my xbox: im not going back in

[brent @murrman5]

[talking to my twitch chat which has three viewers and one guy posted three messages within a minute] please don’t spam

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

sick of characters taking off their glasses when shit gets real. that’s when you want your glasses the most