David Horning

Comedian . Speaker . Humor Resources Guy . Not safe for work . Co-Founder of Secret Society Comedy . Maybe the milkman’s son.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

@nateland_ent Olive Garden. Then I worked there

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

@capcutapp Looking forward to everyone’s next month of Pro being free since your app has been down all day

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Sitcom pitch: he and his family have to keep their identity secret while adjusting to American suburban life. Call it “Family Thais”

[Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine]

I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

A pope from the Midwest really puts the “ope” in “pope.”

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Great. Another American citizen deported.

[The Associated Press @AP]

Cardinal Robert Prevost has taken the name Leo XIV. He is the first American pope in the 2,000-year history of the Catholic Church.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Why did we stop using “Ahoy” as a greeting?

Hi?
Hey?
Sup?
No response.

Ahoy?

I’m in.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

You shared classified information about military strikes in a text thread? That’s just my Tuesday

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

You know your parents are getting older when they start pronouncing “restaurant” “restrent.”

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

I miss the days when the only leaders we listened to were Soulja Boy and DJ Unk. It was a simpler time: all we had to do was Superman that hoe and walk it out.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

An executive using money saved with mass layoffs to cover a pay bump for himself. Who saw THAT coming??

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

The list of American tycoons that built this nation is so inspiring: Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, MrBeast. Truly some historic visionaries.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

If the lowest scoring states in education disband the Dept Of Education, West Virginia becomes #1 in education in West Virginia.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

I hope groceries are cheap on Mars.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Ladies and gentlemen, now singing America The Beautiful, please welcome Kid Rock.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

The TikTok ban lasted as long as my Dry January

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Did they make up unconditional discharge? Sounds like something they just made up.

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

If we’re changing the name of The Gulf Of Mexico to the Gulf Of America, we should start calling all Mexican restaurants in the USA “American restaurants.”

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Hey liberals: it’s not Christmas Steve, it’s Christmas Eve!

[David Horning @THEdavidhorning]

Let this UnitedHealth situation be a reminder: health insurance is a make-believe industry that makes billions by victimizing the most vulnerable of people in the worst moments of their lives, spending billions more to convince us into believing that anything else is “socialism.”