Tom Baxter

I'm not nearly as funny out loud as I am in my head.

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

@WendEclair

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

#DeadspinForever

Deadspin and the limits of ‘sticking to sport’ https://t.co/RM6mUDp6nC

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

The first 3-4 paragraphs are almost exactly my own sports-web history, right down to following the Deadspin commenter alums to KSK and With Leather/Warming Glow, except for the part where this writer used his own creativity and turned that into a career.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who shoot them in their homes; and the district attorneys, who release irrelevant search warrants after the fact. These are their bullshit stories.

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

@pushover @Nick_Offerman Steak or Die

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

@WendEclair @SouthwestAir #2!

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

Hey @SouthwestAir, do those little airplane cookies you give out on flights contain sesame or sesame oil? Asking for an allergic toddler who is pumped for an upcoming flight. Thanks!

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

@MaggieDaleyPark Hi! Are the water features in the Play Garden operating this weekend?

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

Running on a forest trail, hear rustling in the bushes just off the side of the trail
Brain: HOLY SHIT IT'S A BEAR
Eyes: It's a squirrel, relax
Testicles, from their new home in my lower abdomen: We're pretty sure that was a bear

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

This CTA car smells like hot dogs and I'm honestly not sure if I'm complaining or bragging
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

An attempt was made at the Strava #mymile challenge. I'll be on the couch in the fetal position… https://t.co/pg4Dv1BmaI

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

@WendEclair Both better than that MyPillow guy. NOBODY WANTS YOUR WEIRD PILLOWS, GARY

[Mark Agee @MarkAgee]

I just realized we're gonna have to re-do the fucking Enlightenment

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, the Magic Eraser? #dadlife

[Faux Pelini @FauxPelini]

#sadgers

[Tom Baxter @TRBax]

Dammit @Buccigross I'm not supposed to spend my commute fighting off hockey tears! https://t.co/41z3uRiZRm