Agent Smith

We pat your groin. We see you naked. We're the doormen to the sky. Why? Because everybody is a terrorist.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

@AriCohn If we know ICE, and we do know ICE, this will cause more masturbation-related workers comp claims than TSA has processed since 9/11.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

Proof that if we hotbox a catering truck, it's for national security.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

@SenRandPaul You cried in our custody.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

BREAKING: TSA announces partnership with @Flock_Safety.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

TRAVEL REMINDER: Your rectum is not considered a carry-on item no matter how well it's packed.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

Kinda wish some of you guys would close the Straight of Yourass.

Or at least wash it.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

NEW FEDERAL PROGRAM TAPPING VEHICLES IN LONG-TERM PARKING TO HELP REPLENISH STRATEGIC OIL RESERVES.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

TSA open to hiring @MaxMillerOH as Director of Lost Child Services.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

Or tate brothers. whatever. the bald one and the one who looks like he's getting a permanent enema and doesn't know if he likes it or not.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

We make the Tristan brothers strip at TSA because we don't tolerate fashion terrorism.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

@SeanParnellASW Except, you know...if you're ICE.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

Damnit. We did that wrong.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

TSA scans are confidential but if we were to describe @PeteHegseth's let's just say it rhymes with "micro penis."

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

@RepRalphNorman Give your balls a tug or we will.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

TSA rejects @PeteHegseth's proposed partnership to find "high-quality dong" for America's military.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

.@ICEgov is @TSAgov's id.

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

.@SenMcConnell https://t.co/gY3yeBkUhJ

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

.@TheNotoriousMMA https://t.co/gY3yeBkUhJ

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

@tedcruz Didn't you run to Mexico to turn on the AC?

[Agent Smith @TSAgov]

Nobody red-cards America.