Matt Trupia

Writer and performer from Chicago specializing in neglect, hubris, and gluttony

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

@jbaude “God-awful” is really the universal clue tbh

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

@jbaude BRATTLETALE was groundbreaking before the myriad lawsuits silenced us

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

@jbaude Don’t you follow my abandoned spamcrust Tumblr KINNEAR TO THE GROUND wherein I

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

@jbaude UNBROKEN GUSH OF PALE VISCOUS ALBUMEN COMING RIGHT UP

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

@jbaude PBEs may go down, yes, but the more critical metric of Potential Chew Events (PCEs) remain numerically steady while becoming invariably enhanced experience-wise; also it clamps the cheese together to limit Catastrophic Cheese Drag (CCD)

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

@jbaude Threesons: Your half slice is now as thick as a sando, you've created a secure grease crease, and, perhaps paramount, you've protected your mouthroof from volcanic cheese burns

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

Sorry I vision boarded your forgiveness of my upsetting mistake but CAN WE AGREE it was pretty accurate and that this is a skill you admire

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU not much just heard the basic traits of blue whales intoned on TV and splintered a palmful of Legos out of pure longing

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

DO I LOVE TO STRESS-STREAM SURVIVAL THRILLERS WHILE MY FAMILY SLEEPS well buddy do food trucks love to brag about their homemade coleslaw

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

AH SUNDAY TIME TO read a great book for a minute watch a show I openly loathe for an hour then stare at my phone until it falls from my hand

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

SORRY I HISSED IN TERROR DURING THE MEETING the client was about to butcher the timing of my subaudible punchline to that action item

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

WHO WILL MAKE AN ANONYMOUS TEMPORARY ONLINE FORUM WHERE I CAN ASK SCHOLARS ABOUT MYTHICAL CREATURE PHYSIOLOGY AND LORE IN A HALF-JOKING TONE

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

YAWNS UNTIL EVERYONE AT THE PARTY HEARS MY CAROTID RUPTURE hey so are we going to eat these loose communal Raisinets I brought for myself

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

COOL THING ABOUT LOWERED EXPECTATIONS is feeling fulfilled when you guess correctly about whether a new granola bar will be crunchy or chewy

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

AH SPRING TIME FOR ME TO TRIP OVER A COBRA'S NEST OF MUMMIFIED HOSES SO OFTEN THE COMMUNITY NEWSLETTER PENS AN AFFECTIVE PREEMPTIVE MEMORIAL

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

I'm older now and I've seen a few things but I'm still perfectly comfortable assuming that airplane toilets flush directly out into the sky

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

AT LEAST WE ALL AGREE THAT THE SOLE HEALING ACT LEFT IN THIS DIMENSION IS SHAKING LOOSE A BRUTAL TORRENT OF CRUMBS FROM A RELENTING TOASTER

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

WHO HAS THE GUTS TO HONOR MY EVENTUAL DEATH RESPECTFULLY and bury me in a fetid quivering heap of voided Old Navy Super Cash

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

NEW RULE IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO ORDER AT A RESTO COUNTER STAND BACK 50 YARDS WAVE YOUR LIMBS AND ROTATE SLOWLY SO I CAN SIDLE BY UNFETTERED

[Matt Trupia @Tamalehawk]

AGED OUT OF MY READING YEARS can someone just describe all worthwhile topics to me as I sleep using an approved range of famous voices