Lauren E.T.

The first and last of my kind.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

How many times do I need to talk about my big jugs until my Facebook ads stop trying to sell me training bras?

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

@a_schil Hi, I miss you.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

I thought we had moved past the blurry fireworks stories…

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

Common thoughts while getting ready for the day in Florida: Which undies will be the most comfortable to sweat through?

[Tampa Bay Lightning @TBLightning]

#BOLTSWIN GAME 6 AND TAKE THE SERIES!!!!!!

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

Summoned for jury duty next month. Planning on wearing something v low cut in hopes that they don’t want any hoes on the jury.

[Tampa Bay Lightning @TBLightning]

#BOLTSWIN GAME 7!!!!!!!!!

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

That halftime show. I can’t calm down.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

Remember in the beginning of the pandemic when people were posting IG stories of themselves doing weak ass push-ups? Thankful I was not one of those people.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

Second day of the year, trying to be all cute and productive organizing my closet and an entire shelf detaches from the wall and topples onto me. Done with this year. 2023 will be my year.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

I no longer save guys’ numbers in my phone. I enjoy the thrill of piecing together context clues and trying to figure out who’s who.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

@dfarella I was a bar mitzvah dancer. Solid career choice.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

Is it in bad taste to message someone on Hinge “shit or get off the pot”?

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

A guy on Hinge just told me he would donate both of his kidneys for the chance to have a drink with me. Never settle ladies. There are men out there willing to dole out organs just to be in your presence.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

To be fair though, the movie theater I went to was @CineBistroHP and I was pretty distracted by their bangin’ goat cheese dip.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

I watched half of Dune on HBO Max while hammered and all of Dune at the movie theater sober and I’ll be honest, drunk Dune won out.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

Leasing agent: Have you ever taken a tour of this apartment building before?

Me: Does a tour of someone’s bedroom in the apartment building count?

Happy Monday pals!

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

The best part of a breakup is completely losing your appetite and then unintentionally looking the hottest you’ve ever looked in your life.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

New gynecologist, same bullshit hiding my underwear from view. (So as not to offend the man peering deep inside my vagina).

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

I am eating a cookie while naked in the bathroom waiting for the shower to heat up. I think I’ve mastered adulthood.

[Lauren E.T. @TaurenLurkovitz]

If you have any questions on what it’s like to be fully vaccinated but still have COVID, you can direct them to my DM’s.