Marty Lawrence

Social Creative Director. Shitposting 9-5. Shit posts 5-9. Once trended here, haven't been trendy since.

[Real Madrid Xtra @RealMadridXtra]

🚨💣🎙️| Florentino Perez:

"The player I'm going to offer €150M for next week is NOT Haaland, NOT Michael Olise, NOT Kane, NOT Doku."

"He's not a FORWARD and also NOT a defender."

"My SUPERSTAR doesn't play in the Premier League."

"He is a CRISTIANO RONALDO TYPE OF SUPERSTAR, He is a TOTAL GALACTICO. People will NOT BELIEVE IT."

[The Telegraph @Telegraph]

🔴 Peter Kay rushed off stage as venue evacuated over ‘suspicious bag’

https://t.co/EW2tGG1VlS

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

To anyone who received this link in a DM from me, please do not click. I was hacked and it’s a scam. You’d never catch me dead hosting a podcast.

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

It’s been so hot today, I’ve told everyone Trump is doing a fantastic job just for the cold stares.

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

BREAKING: Man on far-right says we shouldn't ban far-right people

[Politics UK @PolitlcsUK]

🚨 WATCH: Nigel Farage says the Government shouldn't ban Kanye West from coming to the UK

"If we start banning people from entering the country because we don't like what they say, I worry where that ends up... it's a dangerous path to go down"

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

george fouracres is the most important thing to happen to UK comedy in the last 25 years and I won't be taking any further questions

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

my wife when I'm trying to get her decide on a takeaway

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

just another day on this absolute hellscape

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

Kiss All The Time. Panic At The Disco, Occasionally.

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

ME: new year, nude me!
MAN ON TUBE: jesus fucking christ

[Brandon Streussnig @BrndnStrssng]

Still my favorite video of the last however many years. Watch it once a week

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

Thanks Sky!

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

Turns out the circle in 'Let's circle back in January' was a downward spiral.

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

[in lift on first day back]
ME:
COLLEAGUE:
ME:
COLLEAGUE:
ME:
COLLEAGUE:
ME:
COLLEAGUE:
ME:
COLLEAGUE: so how was your chri–
ME: –we don't have to do this

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

ME: for new year's, I'm giving up
FRIEND: giving up what?
ME: I don't understand

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

we’ve put men on the moon, robots on mars and created the internet, but still we can’t invent a packet of parma ham where you can peel the meat off the plastic strips seamlessly

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

should have known he’d be caught up in the Epstein files. All those years of walking around with no pants on and everyone just looked the other way. Sickening.

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

a UK version of Australia’s under-16s social media ban except it's for anyone over 50 with a union jack in their bio

[Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy]

My four-year-old has been cast as a star in the school nativity and has spent the last 48 hours announcing to strangers that he is, in fact, “the star of the show.” If this isn’t the origin story of a future PR exec, I don’t know what is.