It's Me, April

The artist formerly known as Naughty. I’m funnier in real life. But this is my real life.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

If whiskey came out of penises instead of semen, I'd be the drunkest slut ever.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

That awkward moment when you have to tell your robot vacuum to drop the silicone cock ring

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

@calluptome I shaved my head so I don’t have to brush my hair.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

@ThereDat *smacks Twitter on the side*

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

Him: *leaving for his annual guy’s trip to Vegas*
Me: Do lots of drugs and bang lots of hookers! But don’t buy your drugs from the people who hand out the hooker cards. That shit’s bunk.

Follow me for more tips on how to be a supportive partner.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

He introduced me to one of his employees and told me, “She replaced my ex-wife.”
I hugged her and said, “that’s something we have in common!”

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

I feel like the fact that all of my exes want to be my friend is just evidence that we never should have been more than friends in the first place.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

I’m trying to cut back on drinking and my best advice I have is
1. To avoid drinking before noon, sleep until noon
2. Drink your whiskey out of a Twizzler straw for portion control

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

Asked some medical advice from a friend group I’m in and most of them said to go to my doctor. Silly Canadians. You think I can just GO SEE A DOCTOR? I’m an American who works in a bar, for fuck’s sake.

[January James-Riggs @JanuaryJames]

If your avi is a crotch shot of your wet panties, we all know you’re really a dude.

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

Biden’s the worst President since the last one

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

That awkward moment when you cough and all the water from the bathtub sex comes out.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

A high school student I work with told me and another coworker who is my age that we are “the coolest old people” she knows and that’s the meanest nice thing anyone has ever said to me.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

@grumblesthacook I’m no chef but I’m gonna say passion, courage, and good knives.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

Him: I got a $500 Amazon gift card. It’s good to know doctors.
Me: You know what would also be good? Health insurance. I don’t even need to know doctors, I just want to be able to afford to see one.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

@justky1018 Last year I hooked up with a guy I liked since high school. Afterwards I said, “I did NOT wait 20 years for this to not cum!” Grabbed my clothes and left. Haven’t talked to him since.

[It's Me, April @ThatNymphApril]

I guess now that my birthday celebration is over, we can do Jesus. He always lets me come first because he’s a gentleman.