BMH

[Dan Duvall @DanDuvallComedy]

Maybe he won't let you marry his daughter because you're a white guy in a reggae band

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

The sign said "no shoes, no shirt, no service" therefore no pants should clearly be no problem

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

@lazerdoov ya dude then you will totally look as epic as this guy

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

Got kicked out of a poker tournament for having the ace of base up my sleeve

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

When I say "went to the gym" I meant box of twinkies, couch, and back to back episodes of the biggest looser

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

Take the blue pill, wake up like nothing happened. Take the Red pill, realize your 30 and still watching the Matrix alone

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

Kind of regretting drafting the homeless guy from down the street to my real life fantasy team in the first round

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

I'm kind of like a clown in every way except I'm not funny

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

I'm part of the 1% that throws their back out eating at a buffet

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

As far as Im concerned its a fuckin mistrial, nowhere in the cargo van owners manual did it say not to keep kids in there

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

2 step perfect tacos:

1.Buy beer
2.Pick-up 4 Mexicans at Home Depot and dont let them leave till they've finished dinner

[Bubator @bubator]

If you can get $100 for one shot of sperm than my carpet owes me big time.

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

I don't always exercise and eat right but when I do I crush 12 beers instead

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

New epic haircut idea: it's called a "musty". Miley Cyrus in the front Krusty the clown in the back

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

Even if you wear your sunday best BC Ferry fairy wings there's still no guarantee you'll get home

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

Sometimes it's nice to pretend that I'm not 30 and can still totally climb that huge fence without fully cutting my leg

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

When "they" tell you that your too fat to do parkour after 15 beers show "them" up by totally bailing on your face

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

I often just tell girls that my penis is 8 attoparsecs long

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

The bachelor would be a totally better show if one of the girls had aids

[BMH @That_Guy_250]

I wish the royal baby was a girl...and 18...and drunk...and desperate