Blake Elliott

Trying to be a better man.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

Baking Achievement: Unlocked

[Anthony Abides @AnthonyAbides]

The "JD Vance fucked a couch" crowd is extremely upset at the UFC fighter who called Michelle Obama a man.

[John Carter @martianwyrdlord]

We're banning raves, because we don't want you having fun where we can't watch you. By the way let me tell you about Woodstock.

We're cracking down on underage drinking. It's bad for you. Yeah of course we hit up the pubs at your age it was great.

We're banning smoking, but just for you - the smoking age will go up one year every year. Oh yes of course, we used to be able to smoke inside everywhere, it was great really.

We're banning flavored vapes. We don't have any evidence they're bad for you, you just like them too much.

We're banning dodgeball during recess, someone might get hurt. Yeah we really enjoyed dodgeball too.

We're banning flirting, because it might make the girls uncomfortable.

We're locking you in your room for the next two years. Yes we know you're in no danger from the virus, but we're worried that you'll get us sick. By the way you have to take this needle if you want to leave your room again. Yes, twice. Well there will be boosters too. No, we aren't worried about side effects, that doesn't effect us at all.

We're closing the frat houses, because we don't want you having fun without our permission. Please join these officially sanctioned university clubs instead.

We're bringing in labor from the third world to work the service jobs, so you can't have a summer job.

You need to go to university to get a good job. By the way we're raising the price of tuition. Oh look we're raising it again. Don't worry there are loans. At interest.

Actually we're giving the good jobs to the foreigners we just imported, to make up for our racist past. We are very good people. No of course we aren't sacrificing anything. You just have to take one for the team.

Also, we're giving the foreigners the houses. We needed to increase real estate prices. For our pensions, you see. Sadly no, you'll probably never be able to afford one yourself. By the way don't forget to pay your taxes. Need to support those pensions somehow! Eh? No, we're giving ourselves tax breaks of course. Seniors discount you know.

Oh by the way, that one thing you still have, now that we've banned joy and kicked every ladder out from under you? That social media stuff you kids like? You guessed it! We're banning that too! Just for you though, we're still going to watch AI videos on Facebook. It's for your safety, you see. We've noticed that you're all getting rather irate, and we think it would be better for your mental health if you shut up for a while. Why don't you just go outside?

Eh? No of course we aren't going to stop Ahmed and his twelve illiterate cousins from raping your sister, that would be culturally insensitive, which would make us feel very bad, and we can't have that.

[🍹 Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock @kimmie_c_]

🇺🇲🇺🇲

[Eva Vlaardingerbroek @EvaVlaar]

I’m bored even typing this out, but wanting to preserve your people’s ethnocultural continuity and avoid becoming a minority in your own homeland, especially given the disastrous consequences of mass migration, does not make you a white supremacist. It’s such an intellectually lazy and dishonest smear.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@Keir_Starmer Wouldn't want the youth seeing how bad the government is, make sure they're limited to what their communist teachers lie to them about instead.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@TimRunsHisMouth Julia Roberts was at RetardFest?

Guess she doesn't just play a whore in the movies...

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@Discoveringme40 They were already smearing this event for like 10 other reasons. Leftists hate everything not celebrating gay race communism.

[Paul Anleitner @PaulAnleitner]

What a year in sports for iconic American photos.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@thunderbay63 @CBSNews He's watching the production feed on the live screen in front of him. You guys are sure desperate lol.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

First night I've kinda wished I was on Bluesky, just to see the meltdowns.

It'll pass.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@BlueBoxDave I agree. I denounce the Obama Administration.

[Oilfield Rando @Oilfield_Rando]

My friends pulling me away from the wedding reception open bar when they hear me start talking about “per capita”

[Phoenix 🇺🇸 @Phoenix2A_1980s]

"Michelle Obama is A MAN!"

-Josh Hokit

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@LeaderJohnThune You didn't deserve to be there for your failure to pass the SAVE Act

Generational failure

[Jeff I @The_Gooseinator]

Remember when Obama joked that Donald Trump would never be President and Trump hit back by strategically dismantling the entire Democratic Party over a 10 year period culminating with a UFC Fighter announcing that Michele Obama is a man.

Good times. Good times, indeed.

[Jack @jackunheard]

Someone check on Michelle Obama.

Brutal night for him.

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

@BlueBoxDave Your side tried to kill him and send him to prison. More than once on each count. Your guys celebrated Charlie Kirk's assassination not one year ago. Your people call him a pedophile and rapist every day. You all framed him for foreign collusion.

Spare me your pearl clutching.

[Jill @11MyJam]

The Golden Knights can still win if Mike Pence has the courage

[Oilfield Rando @Oilfield_Rando]

“You see what happens Larry?! You see what happens when you defund USAID and scrutinize ActBlue’s payment processing system?!”

[Blake Elliott @TheBlakeElliott]

SexyBack came out 20 years ago.

Kids who were conceived to this song are in college now.

(in case you weren't feeling old today)

[wayBackinTimes @waybackintimes]

Just Justin Timberlake playing the autotune of “SexyBack” on Tiny Desk 🌟 🎸