David Devries

Bearded male, Father of one

[Headquarters @HQNewsNow]

Trump appears to be unraveling live on stage

“When I say insane asylums, and then I say, Doctor Hannibal Lecter, does anybody know? They go crazy. They say, oh, he brings up these names out of— Well, that's genius. Right. Doctor Hannibal Lecter. There's nobody worse than him. Silence of the Lambs. Who the hell else would even remember that? I have a great memory, but they always hit me. I don't bring it up too much because they have to take such a— he brought up Hannibal Lecter. What does that have to do with this? What is it? It has everything to do with it, right? He was… So I've done something for you for you that I haven't done in 20 speeches. I brought up Doctor Hannibal Lecter and we're allowing him, you watch, you watch these fake people will say again, he brought up Hannibal Lecter has absolutely nothing to do. You know I do the weave, right? The weave. It's genius. You bring up Hannibal Lecter, you mention insane asylum. Hannibal Lecter. You go out, no. There'll be a time in life where the weave won't finish properly at the bottom and then we can talk. But right now it's pure genius. Hey, I have an uncle, my uncle, Uncle John, my father's brother, 41 years at MIT, longest serving professor has so many degrees, he didn't know what the hell to do with them all in the most complicated. I understand a lot of this stuff, you know, I believe in that. Like, I mean, Jack Nicklaus is not gonna produce a bad golfer. Right. You know, that's the way it works. It's just one of those things and it's in the family and it's whatever”

[The Daily Show @TheDailyShow]

Trump is literally Hitler, but we put the Hitler quotes in Comic Sans to make it funny

[Zack Bornstein @ZackBornstein]

damn why the republican nominee so old

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 416:
After conducting a longitudinal study over the course of my son’s life, the data seems to show that with every additional 10 minutes my son goes to bed past his bedtime, my next day gets 5% more suckier.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 415:
I watched son play with his little cousins & was overcome with a desire to give him a little sibling of his own. Then I saw that cousin build a tower of wine glasses & his little brother come kick them all down & was reminded that kids also are monsters.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 414:
It’s hard to explain how proud I am about how often I successfully outsmart my son. My 13 month old son. Who tries to eat his diaper rash cream. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel smarter than someone.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 413:
My son will finish eating a meal then just shovel food into his mouth, chew for a minute to get the taste & spit it all out. Insane. I could be 10 lbs lighter if I had that self control to spit out the food after enjoying the flavor. The kid’s a genius.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 412:
I watched my son sit at the piano & hit the keys today for the first time. He might be the next Elton John or Billy Joel!
I’m excited to see what he can do over the next 3 days. After that we’re done with piano. I cant listen to all that banging much longer

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 411:
My son saw a wild turkey for the first time today, in his grandparents’ yard. He stared at these goofy dinosaurs emerging from the forest, pointed at them & went right back to eating his lunch. This kid absolutely refuses to be impressed.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 410:
Took my son to go play in a haystack. Only took him 3 seconds to find a needle. He’s so talented at never letting me relax.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 409:
My son normally naps for 2+ hours each day. Today he didn’t nap at all. I’m no mathematician, but after some basic calculations, it seems that adding 2 hours to his wake time today added about 47 hours to my wake time today.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 408:
I know I should stop reacting because it only makes him laugh & want to do it again, but how do I sit and do nothing when I see my son try to lick the oven door?

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 407:
Me, explaining Thanksgiving to my son:
So there were these Pilgrims, which were a kind of religious extremists, & they “befriended” some Native Americans & together they ate corn. So to honor that we eat turkey even though it’s nasty. Happy Thanksgiving son.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 406:
Can’t wait to see my son’s face in the morning when he runs downstairs to find all the Thanksgiving biscuits the T-Giving Turkey left for him under the dirt mound in the living room. I just love passing down these traditions & telling my son they’re real.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 405:
Parenting win for the day: got my son from his crib this AM & saw a little blood on his sheets. Panicked, called his pediatrician, rushed him in for an emergency check up. Turns out he has chapped, cracked lips. In retrospect, there was very little blood.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 404:
Very happy to share that Im almost over this cold I caught from my son after a grueling 3 weeks. Meanwhile my son has caught & recovered from 5 other colds, & has a new one coming on now. Just in time to make sure I finish the year off with zero healthy days

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 403:
I pretended to be asleep so my son could come and try to wake me up. I was fake snoring with my eyes closed & could hear him giggling as he crawled over… then he shoved his foot in my mouth. Not as cute as I had hoped, but effective.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 402:
There is a moment where I am in complete bliss watching my son crack himself up as he rubs his pb&j on his hair. And about 2 seconds later I remember this kid does not bathe himself.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 401:
There is something exceptionally heartwarming to see my son watch as my wife lights the Shabbat candles every Friday night. It is also exceptionally worrisome that he is that fascinated by fire at such a young age.

[David Devries @TheDaveDevries]

Life as Dad, Day 400:

FOUR! HUNDRED!! DAYS!!!

Pretty soon I’ll know what I’m doing.