Sexy Date Boy

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

Doctor: say ah
Me: ah
Doc: now poke yourself in the eye
Me: [does it]
[doc scribbles on clipboard] "will do literally whatever I say lol"

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[looking in mirror before big pitch]
Me: ah yes. Hello
Me: Will this yield prophet?
Me: Why yes.
Me: How clever.
Me: And so strong

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[doing magic tricks at sons BDay]

Me: for my next trick,I need a volunteer
[I pick the kid who bullies my son and light his hair on fire ]

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

Me: yo dont look im naked
[friend turns around]
Me: HAH you looked
Friend: you are naked
Me: oh

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

Officer: [on phone] unfortunately I cannot help you, sir. We do not send out amber alerts for misplaced sour patch kids

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

The woods have gone quiet. The full moon is bright. The president has seen enough. He lifts off into the sky on the back of the BearForce 1

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[cracking up looking in mirror] i'm not laughing with you, I am you

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[a bank commercial where all the actors are babies with no explanation]

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[leaning up against motorcycle in parking lot]

Yep... This babys the real deal. Indestructible probably.

[is talking to a dead bird]

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

Son: daddy, I lost a tooth!
Dad: ok i'll replace it w/change
S: [crying] wha? You're the tooth fairy??
D: more like TRUTH FAIRY. Go to bed

[JOHN VAUGHN @johnvaughnn]

My kids: "father, what exactly was a "meme?"

Dad Me:*coughs,removes glasses,looks out window*

"I have no idea what you're talking about"

[JOHN VAUGHN @johnvaughnn]

*has all the matthew mcconaughey lincoln commercials on DVD*

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[old friend who's now a gangster visits]
Him: just droppin by for old times sake
Me: [looks at camera]more like old CRIMES sake
[stabs me]

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

He bit it with his ass

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[interview]
Boss: says here u can drive a forklift. Demonstrate.
Me: uh vroom vroom..?
B:[slams fist on desk] THATS WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[talking to grandpa]

Me: Wanna feel old?

[shoves very recent picture of him in his face]

Me: see, you old toot

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[sees trailer for Happy Gilmore]

[turns to date]: the book was way better

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

LOST (2004)

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

"YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE!!"

[me frantically trying to cure a group of blind people]

[Sexy Date Boy @TheHumpyDumpy]

[fancy dinner. I tap my glass w/fork]

Me: a toast 2 old friends

[beanie baby falls off chair]

[I poisoned him & Barbie was in on it]