Jason Stewart

20+ Year Stand Up Comic. Known for The Killers of Comedy A&E Roast Writer

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

Divorce may be the only way to remove rings from Tom Brady's fingers. #Brady

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

@sportsbyLD @XBOX Thank you for the update.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

It's weird.

When we had the Covid shutdown, you couldn't find toilet paper anywhere. (For the record, Covid mostly attacks your lungs.) Now, we have explosive diarrhea. Not only can you find toilet paper everywhere, it's also on sale.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

https://t.co/hSOJUJOjXm

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

@craiggasscomedy @AmericanAir I would've lost my mind. You should get compensation too.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

Bell's Palsy is kinda like test driving a stroke.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

If it was Karen Carpenter that hit that ball, it would've never had left the park.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

Breaking!

Pete Davidson will cut the ribbon at the new Qatari Military Base in Idaho.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

I remember a time before Ozempic, when you had to piss off a gypsy and wait for him to say "Thiinnner" if you wanted to lose weight.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

You have maybe 3 weeks before someone calls bullshit on you selling them a pygmy hippo.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

I'll tell you who's stoked that nobody is visiting Las Vegas.

Lake Mead.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

Trump has been wanting to get back into heaven ever since the day Archangel Michael cast him down to Earth.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

When they do release the Epstein Files, the only mention of Trump will probably show that he was the arresting officer.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

@DawsonDarrellA @WallStreetApes Does thinking give you headaches?

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

I was contemplating getting a tattoo of the Metallica Black album cover on my entire back, but I also don't want to resemble someone who was kicked out of a biker gang.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

You really don't hear about Pizzagate anymore.

Why is that? Did something happen?

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

I can't wait to hear Lee Greenwood sing "Lick it Up" to Kiss at the Kennedy Center honors.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

An estimated 18,000 missiles showed up for Trump's "No Wars" day in Iran and Israel.

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

Alright, Stop! capitulate and listen. ICE is back with a brand new mission. Someone who grabs a hold of you tightly, snatching kids at schools, daily and nightly. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know?Going to job sites, with the media in tow...

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

Considering the cities in its path, do you think the San Andreas fault is MAGA?

[Jason Stewart @TheJasonStewart]

The Big Beautiful Bill worked so well for Republicans this year, that they are already in the early process of drafting The Gold Fillings in Your Mouth Bill for next year.