Deesco

I've been described as You're not my boyfriend.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

All they rap about is bitches and hoes. What happened to Shai, Jodeci, Ginuwine? Niggas used to SING about fuckin.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Up until 2 years ago I'd never heard of a polar vortex. Now we have freezing fog. What's next? Jedi Force winds?

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

How many jokes about Scott Weiland's dogs beginning to smell him have I missed?

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Dude, women don't even understand women.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Amanda from Facebook wants everyone to know she's been sick and isn't ignoring anyone.

Don't even know who the hell Amanda is.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Dear Gf,
I'm sorry I was wrong. There IS ice cream in the freezer. I'm sorry that we DO HAVE ICE CREAM.
Sincerely,
Confused Boyfriend.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

"I see you hit the snooze button but seeing as that's a stupid ass decision I've elected to ignore it."

-Director Fury Alarm Clock

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

The best part of thanksgiving is the dog show don't talk to me.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Girlfriend wants me to wrap the presents and then she'll tie the ribbon but I'd rather knot.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Having a girlfriend is a lot like taking a math exam in high school. I'm wrong.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

One time I built a storage wall with my bare hands. I was quite proud of my shelf.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

We wish you a happy Thanksmas.

-Retail Stores

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

CUZ AAAAALLLLLLL OF ME RUBS AAAAALLLLLLL OF YOU.

-Cats

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Where am I?

-Rhonda Rousey

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

-A woman sits in her half painted living room bawling-
*Tom Hanks walks in*
Are...are you crying?!? There's no crying in paint wall.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Met a vegan with OCD. I know because she told me she was vegan 15 times in a row.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

You have OCD and ADD? So you have to clean everything but only when you remember to?

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

Weekend twitter is like my gf when she's pissed. No point saying a fucking thing. She won't acknowledge it and I'm not getting laid.

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

*looks at penis*
Hey.
Hey you.
*pokes it with a stick*
You dead?

[Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco]

A condensed version of Adele's new song:

Hi.
I'm miserable. Take me back.
No?
Ok. I'll leave another message tomorrow.