TheTelf

Often found next to computers or board games. Any similarity between words appearing on this feed and the opinions of anyone, living or dead, is coincidence.

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

Queen’s platinum jubilee 2022: crowds gather for jubilee pageant in front of Buckingham Palace – live https://t.co/8T2kcNEpH8

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

Me with no kids: "ugh, I hate doing the washing up"

Me with one kid: "doing the washing up is a pleasant opportunity for a few minutes peace"

Me with two kids: "I actively envy people with the time and energy to wash things"

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@TheJamesRobinso @Ben_Broadribb Handle towards the child. If anything I'm offering an incentive.

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

- walks too slowly
- constantly puts herself in harm's way
- endless repetition of the same tasks

I never recognised how much escorting Natalya in Goldeneye was just preparation for raising small children

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@Ben_Broadribb Scarily accurate

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

Me: <if nothing else goes wrong, I think we can still get to nursery in time>

My son, shouting from the next room: HELP DADDY, I'VE GOT WEETABIX IN MY PENIS

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@paultweedy When do we get to read your list?

[Jonny Sharples @JonnyGabriel]

Switzerland had an unfair advantage playing in front of a neutral crowd.

[Cassidy @cassidoo]

you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the person who has to make slides about team strategy

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@Ben_Broadribb Meatspace?

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@IckleChris Did it break with such force that it also destroyed the skirting at the bottom of your kitchen?

[Dr Adam Rutherford @AdamRutherford]

If only I could think of a profession where applause followed completion of their work 🧐

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@katie_jacobs Get Ben on it!

[Liam Thorp @LiamThorpECHO]

So I’m not getting a vaccine next week - was feeling weird about why I’d been selected ahead of others so rang GP to check. Turns out they had my height as 6.2cm rather than 6 ft 2, giving me a BMI of 28,000 😂

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

@paultweedy Did I have leverage at some point? I'm starting to feel like he's been playing me this whole time.

[TheTelf @TheTelf]

I told my four-year-old that he needed to be quiet and go to sleep or I'd take a star off his reward chart. He got out of bed, marched downstairs and tore the reward chart into tiny pieces. Your move dad.

I don't know whether to be impressed or terrified.

[Astrid 💕 E4L 💙💛 @CyclingAstrid]

This just made my day 😂😂

[PHP CEO BLUECHECKMARK.JPEG @PHP_CEO]

HAS ANYBODY ELSE NOTICED THAT CREATING SOFTWARE IS EXACTLY LIKE LIKE MANUFACTURING LARGE NUMBERS OF IDENTICAL ELECTRICAL GOODS?

HOW HAS NOBODY ELSE PICKED UP ON THIS