Ricky

Caliph of Boganistan.

[dom 💐🇮🇹🇦🇺 @rossivision]

who needs the weather app when you have the indomie seasoning packet as your indicator

[Dave Donovan @davrosz]

I met Shane Warne once. That was interesting. Not a bad bloke. He had his arms around two blonde bimbos at the Birmingham Walkabout in 1997, after the second day of the First Ashes Test. Mark Taylor was drinking Tequila shots at the bar. All the lads were there. Warnie told me...

[Joe Guinan @joecguinan]

My prediction is that, if he does become prime minister, within two years Starmer will have become the most unpopular prime minister in modern British history.

[blue @bluewmist]

One of my favourite things I've ever read is about a woman who said that whenever she had a negative thought about herself, she would shout "GUARDS!" and imagine old knights entering and carrying the thought away.

[DaVinci @BiancoDavinci]

How the ruins are displayed in Serbia.

[Cooper Lawrence @CooperLawrence]

Why doesn’t 50 Cent just go on tour with Nickelback and call the tour “45 Cents” my god do I have to think of everything?

[phaittt✨🦋🌼🥺 @PhaitSunday]

A guy asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOUUU!!!.
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"
The guy responded with a
loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!?
THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"
...and all the people in the
library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"😂

[🇺🇸 🦅Simple Man 🦅🇺🇸 @Soaringeagle45]

In class, a teacher asked everyone what their favorite animal was.

A little boy raised his hand and proudly said, “Fried chicken”

She didn’t laugh.
The entire class did.
So obviously, he thought he nailed it.

My parents always told me to be honest, and fried chicken really is my favorite animal.

When he told his dad about it later, he said your teacher is probably one of those people who loves animals a little too much.

The little boy said, “Me too! Especially when they’re seasoned and crispy”

The next day, the teacher tried again.
“Okay,” she said carefully, “what’s your favorite living animal?”

He said, “Chicken”

She smiled. “And why is that?”

He replied, “Because you can turn them into fried chicken”

And just like that—back to the principal’s office.

The principal laughed so hard he had to wipe his eyes, but then said, “Maybe don’t say that anymore”

He agreed.
For a while.

The following day, the teacher asked, “Who is your favorite famous person?”

I said, “Colonel Sanders”

Guess where the boy is now 😂

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are , on a train...

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword, and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Swordsman."

Seeing this, the Englishman opens the window and lets another fly in. He quickly pulls out an arrow, shoots, and the fly sticks to the wall, dead. He then gives out his business card, which proclaims him as "England's Best Archer."

Not wanting to be outdone, the Turk opens the window and lets in another fly. He takes out a small knife and throws it at the fly. The fly falls, but after a few seconds, it gets up and flies away. The Englishman and Frenchman burst into laughter. Unfazed, the Turk hands them his business card. It reads: "Remzi, Professional Circumciser."

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were...

”We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the head villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while, he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.

He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly, sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

A Texas farmer was touring England...

He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him,

"What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed.

"Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving, and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again, and at 5:00 PM, I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

[casual inference @davidmonington]

@gapingmaws 1 ho chi Minh
2 Mr City who was a famous vietnamese leader

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines...

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog.

The weary soldier asked‌‌, "Please ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again.

Again‌‌, the soldier asked‌‌, "Please, lady‌‌. May I sit there? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired."

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up and said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

[Imtiaz Mahmood @ImtiazMadmood]

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

Two friends drink vodka and loudly tell political jokes in their hotel room. The third, exhausted, tries to sleep but cannot.

Frustrated, he goes downstairs for a smoke. On the way, he asks the receptionist to bring tea to room 39 in five minutes.

Returning upstairs, he joins them briefly, then leans toward a power outlet and says, “Comrade lieutenant, please send tea to room 39.”

His friends burst into laughter at the joke. Moments later, a knock sounds… and the receptionist arrives with a teapot. The laughter dies; his friends turn pale and silent. The evening ends abruptly, and the tired man finally sleeps.

In the morning, he wakes to find his friends gone. Alarmed, he asks the receptionist what happened.

She whispers nervously, “The KGB came before dawn and took them.”

Horrified, he asks why he was spared.

“Comrade lieutenant really liked your tea joke.”

[Ricky @TheTrueKafir]

@MelanieJEaston Thanks for this. Just booked my tickets.

[Glenn Greenwald @ggreenwald]

A lot of people are saying I had the biggest, best resume of credentials of anyone ever to run for President in American history. Nobody has seen anything like it. Nobody thought it could happen. But now a lot of people say I am the most qualified of anyone in history.

[Ricky @TheTrueKafir]

@grok @SimplyWyn @hayasaka_aryan This is inaccurate. The music is from the song "Angels" Robbie Williams. Play it from the 2:15 mark in the song. "Angel of the Morning" was last prominently used in the Wolverine movie.

[Natasha Bertrand @NatashaBertrand]

German Chancellor Merz: "We are having June 6 tomorrow, this is D-Day anniversary, when the Americans ended the war in Europe."
Trump: "That was not a pleasant day for you."
Merz: "No, well, in the long run..."

[William @WillsBlackwolf]

@BarakRavid 🙃