The Unmaternal Mess

Constantly ravenous garbage person™. Likely terrible mother. Probably not as funny as I think I am.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

Tried to calm my kid with a snack and said "It's a lot harder to cry with food in your mouth" and I realized that's basically my life motto.

[Eize Basa @PonchoRebound]

When I say “I hate drama” I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

Lullabies are bizarre. Your baby is upset and you want them to stop crying? Got it. ✨RELATABLE✨.
So to help you’re going to… buy them a bird? Weird, but sure.
Oh wait, the bird is too quiet for you? So now you’re going to… BUY THEM A DIAMOND RING? Insane.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

It’s really wonderful how my baby just wants to stare lovingly into my eyes for endless amounts of time, but also a little rude because after almost four months he should know how much I like looking at my phone.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

@nocontextroyco Serendipity

[Matt. @MattTheBrand]

why did i make this

[kristofer thomas @kristoferthomas]

turbotax: do you have any dependants?

me: i am the backbone of several groupchats

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

From the makers of Mom™️ and Pregnancy™️, we bring you ‘Endless Exhaustion’ and ‘Poorly Thought Out Threats you Gave your Child and Really Hope you Don’t Have to Follow Through On’...

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

Oh yes, beloved actor James Carrey, who is clearly most known for his role in Sonic the Hedgehog...

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

Parents will playfully describe their kids things like “sassy”, “feisty” “incorrigible” or “a free spirit” because it’s not socially acceptable to call them assholes.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

@realmellors Anything with a “for” qualifier.
My most common one is “You’re really pretty *for* a redhead”, as if A. that doesn’t still sound like I’m far below average because you’re comparing me to my other ginger swamp brethren, and B. there aren’t some truly stunning redheads out there

[Natalie Dunlap @natd_lap]

Journalism kids are theater kids that can’t sing

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

It’s kind of wild running into someone you haven’t seen for a while, because you haven’t done anything or gone anywhere in six months and your entire conversation is just subtly hinting that you’ve gone insane and have low-grade depression without actually using those words.

[1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS]

The Year 2020 as told by Arrested Development

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

For Halloween this year I’m going to be very sad

[Rachel McCartney @RachelMComedy]

Do you identify as an empath or are you fun to be around

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

@Jake_Vig Can you somehow work in “sheeple” or “libtards”? I don’t feel owned enough.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

@laureenbazzi @ramblinma Sorry. Mon is Jan-March, because it sucks and drags on forever, Tues is April-June, Wed is July, Thurs is Aug. & Sept., Friday is Oct. because it starts out normal and ends fun. Then Sat is Nov. and Sun is Dec- you think it’ll be fun, but the older you get the more it’s just work

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

Popular Science is just throwing out sick burns now.

[The Unmaternal Mess @TheUnmaternal]

@iKarlie I’ve had these exact same thoughts 😂