Philip Atneosen

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

Crazy me and Nico Harrison have the same job

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

@bentwite_ Pordingis

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

Eminem just sounded better on Grooveshark

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

@TrevorWolf_

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

@Jordan_Jensen6 Because they live in a secluded colony with every Hunter over the age of 30

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

The world is my oyster but I’m allergic to shellfish

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

I tried my hand at money laundering, but it just got all wrinkly

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

@nick_johnson17 Sounds like a cry for help, did someone check on him?

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

@nick_johnson17 And he’s still a full generation behind Will Fuller V

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

Bravery is eating spaghetti in a white shirt, wisdom is eating spaghetti without a shirt.

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

So is nobody going to ask what happened to the REAL Jake from State Farm?

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

All the kids that didn’t respect the pouch are in maximum security prison now

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

I’m taking a sick day for next year’s NBA trade deadline, league sources tell ESPN.

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

Anyone else remember that two year stretch where we had to learn cup stacking in gym class and then it just disappeared forever?

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

Airheads are just candy beef jerky

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

I was cutting an onion and my eyes started to water. It’s not because of the chemicals or anything, I just get emotional when I think about Shrek.

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

My heart says upgrade to fries but my bank account says chips are fine

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

If the old lady who swallowed a fly met the very hungry caterpillar, who would eat who?

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

I’m looking to hire someone who can stop me from eating a whole box of Hamburger Helper by myself (serious inquiries only)

[Philip Atneosen @The_Cool_Philip]

Bartender: Can I see some ID?

Me, eating an Almond Joy: Of course

Bartender: My mistake, that won’t be necessary