Travis Hampton

Take it easy. We're all crazy. It's not a competition.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Unfollow your dreams!

(marketing Twitter here, obviously)

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Which bird has a throat pouch that's completely useless for storing fish?

The pelican't.

I'll see myself to the gallow...

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

[visually impaired Secret Service agent yells into sleeve]

Head shot! Sniper at four o'clock!

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

I bet none of you can't imitate my voicemail message as well as I do when I accidentally answer.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

What? Putting my foot in my mouth is just part of my work out routine.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Awesome group cuddle. Now where's my glasses?

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

"A certain degree of discretion might be in order if you understand me."
"Got it. Fahrenheit. No? Celcius? Help me out here!"

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

I can't seem to get the hang of covering my PIN because I get robbed two bucks every time.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

When did the internet become all about telling me I've done everything wrong all my life?

[AmberTozer @AmberTozer]

When you're about to tell them that last night was fun but you don't want a relationship right now

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

So you preach the word? On Twitter we call that "stealing tweets" but we do it from different accounts rather than just God.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Defrost means "to voluntarily wait salivating for longer than necessary" in microwave.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

"So we're doing a porn spoof of The X-files. Let's nail that title, people."

[two hours later]

"Uhm... Can we have some czechs in it?"

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Deinfe "obsolete".

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Cool expression, but can you tell me about the 21 first catches? Are there any more?! JEEZ KNOW SOMETHING BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FACE HOLE!

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

"You are the light of my life" I say opening my fridge.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Hold it right there. You need to fill out this eye contact form first.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

Me: I have three things to do but only time for one.
Brain: Do no things.
Me: (sighing with obviously feigned reluctancy) OK then...

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

[on the phone with customer services]

So what would the fee for shipping only be? I'm planning to do all the handling myself.

[Travis Hampton @TravisTweeting]

I'd kinda like to bring back prohibition for just one weekend just to see what happens to Twitter.