Tristan Tanner

I am scared of Twitter.

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

Me 5 years ago: A twist cap on wine? What am I, poor? Me now: A real cork? OH, GREAT - let me just get out my TOOLS. What’s next? A SERIES OF RIDDLES?

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

I just ate some Assorted Berries @TUMS, and they tasted just like @Anthropologie smells. I’m not mad. I just wanted you to know.

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

@jakefarrington Oh shit. Am straight. Disregard.

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

@jakefarrington Feeling great. Real good.

[Jamie Jirak @JamieCinematics]

My friends got married on Halloween dressed as @lovegwendoline and @kristoferhivju! (It was at the courthouse so note the #ParksAndRec easter egg.) Congrats, dummies! #GameofThrones

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

I wonder when my most-valued attribute in a friend went from “fun/hilarious” to “answers e-mails promptly.”

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

@HeinzKetchup_US @inferiormen

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

Me: I am not tired from #DaylightSavingTime!
<<throws teabag wrapper into mug of hot water>>

[Baddestmothers @BaddestMothers]

Moms! Send us labor and delivery stories! After 9 mos cooking that kid, how'd it get out?!?
DM us w any birth story of any length (may be edited 4 ⌚)
#badmoms #baddestmothersintheroom #babies #birth #Delivery #momlife #laborpains #podcast #momswhopodcast #junowiththejunofilter

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

I really appreciate that predictive text saw "decorative", and knew I was going for "gourds" next. #fall

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

I was just swimsuit shopping, and there was a song playing in the fitting room whose only lyrics were "nope nope nope." #veryfittingroom

[NOT ALT WORLD @NotAltWorld]

Just checking....Yup....we've got more scientists and fact checkers running a Twitter account than Donald Trump has in his cabinet.

[Chris Tawfik @ChrisTawfik]

If we're gonna fire people from their job for controversial tweeting, we gotta start with @POTUS
#keepKatieRich

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it." - George Bernard Shaw #nastywoman

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

When the gaggle of idiots didn't get off the red line at Addison, I thought, "I shouldn't judge people."Then they realized where they were.

[Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker]

The audience at every Republican debate was teleported from a "Married With Children" taping in 1989. #GOPDebate

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

My husband and I just can't agree on politics - is Hillary wearing a space raincoat or a golden volleyball disguise? #DemDebate

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

@christourre oops! Forgot to hashtag it #egginggraham! What was I THINKING??? #egginggraham

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

@christourre Haha! That would be bad!

[Tristan Tanner @TristanTanner]

I laughed and smiled when a fellow customer corrected my "thanks" with "you're supposed to say 'thanks a latte!'" #bestactressever