TurdWorldPains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

They say a grain of sand has 1000 cutting edges, but none are sharp enough to cut my wrists #enditall #istilllovesand #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

When life gives you lemons, consider yourself fortunate since you haven't eaten solid food in about a month #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I didn't choose the ugh life, the ugh life chose me. #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I can't afford drugs so I get high on life. I'm usually sober.

[Matthew Barry @loganbarry]

@TurdWorldPains I got sand in my grape-nuts. #nbd

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I would soo bail @Sally_Struthers out if I could only convince someone to spend $160 on my stash of #CrystalPepsi #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

Party girl http://t.co/U8MhMxSU #moveherebemywife #nocars=noDUIs #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I have been a Bills fan ever since someone gave us Bills Superbowl XXVII Champs shirts #rosebowl #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I could've broke 100 today, but I got too drunk. #ihadadream

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I qualified for my nation's Olympic team but we didn't realize you can't get to England on foot #strandedinbelgium #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

Love the outfits at the opening ceremonies but I hated making them with 10,000 of my favorite 9yr old friends

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

We'd play tennis in my country, but all of the nets have been used to try and keep those goddamn tse-tse flys out @richardjmetz

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

The only grass within 200 sq miles is on our baseball diamond's infield #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

Have had electricity for three days straight #humblebrag

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I had Lord Paqcuiao 115-113 #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

#bbq #dinner #turdworldpains http://t.co/RbvfTPds

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I have no food, but my leader's a deity, @KimJongNumberUn. #haiku #turdworldpains #iwishiwasnorthkorean

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

We can't afford a soccer ball and kicking around the grapefruit always results in a riot.. with fatalities. #riot #dinner #turdworldpains

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

I can't go to the movies because I can't hold the seats down.

[TurdWorldPains @TurdWorldPains]

Blood parasites, AIDS, and a mental image of @DaveCoulier on Full House. Three things I no longer want inside of me. #cb #turdworldpains