Jim McIlwraith

Problem solver (most of the time).
Not enough hours in the day/days in the week.
Lives on caffeine and sarcasm.
Mainly car related stuff/boys toys - GRRC

[TheJoyConnection + @Strategiceye127]

"Breaking News: Local dog makes a full recovery after receiving one snack. 😂🐶"

[Steve Inman @SteveInmanClips]

Bear gets hit in the twigs and berries while trying to scratch his back.

[Restricted footage @Restrictfootage]

First day at work

[🤬Swearing Kids 𝕏 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♂️ @SwearingKids]

It's the WEEKEND so here's a compilation of kids using one of the most versatile swear words

[Tha Fackin Daddy @ThaFackinDaddy]

Fackin #sillybasturd 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Massimo @Rainmaker1973]

The original cars with their much larger restyling versions issued years later

[📹 roma_urraco]
https://t.co/OzOpQciFvQ

[Massimo @Rainmaker1973]

Walking a dog but nobody is actually walking

[Irish Ranger (Sevvy) @VeteranIrish]

THE UK TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER ��

Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten
comes to £100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: -

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. “Since
you are all such good customers”, he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody’s share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man’s
bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the
tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he
suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100%
saving).
The sixth man now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh man now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 28% saving).
The eighth man now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth man now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).
And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59 (a 16% saving).

Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.

But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. “I only
got £1 out of the £20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got £10″

“Yes, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved £1 too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me”

“That’s true” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get £10 back when I
only got £2? The wealthy get all the breaks”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor”. The nine men
surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next week the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat
down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the
bill, they discovered something important – they didn’t have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill.

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our
tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will
naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much,
attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore. In
fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat
friendlier." 😉😁😁

[The Figen @TheFigen_]

Clock at Schiphol Airport, Netherlands.

It looks like there's a real person inside. Beautiful and unique design.

[Science girl @sciencegirl]

During a solar eclipse, the gaps between leaves on trees act as multiple pinhole cameras,

and each gap projects its own crescent-shaped image of the eclipsed sun onto the ground.

📹gottigreen

[Irish Ranger (Sevvy) @VeteranIrish]

British Army Humour

An innocent typo was made and all parties involved have gotten as much enjoyment as they could out of it!

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.

The letter read,

"Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366.
Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”

Colonel Maclaren replied;

“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col. Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.
We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton) The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland) The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War) The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade) The Boer War (1899 -1902) World War One (1914-1918).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannons
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p.
We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.
Yours sincerely . . . .”
😁����😁

[Richard Brunning @richardbrunning]

Brilliant.

[Jim McIlwraith @Turkktowner]

@Hantsprints The lesser well known pewter rivet!

[Irish Ranger (Sevvy) @VeteranIrish]

GLORIOUS INSULTS

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: " Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir , " said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

😁😁😁

[Science girl @sciencegirl]

Stabilised camera to show how Earth rotates

📹 aaronjenkinphotography
https://t.co/voAqI5HMLc

[Dave † 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇺🇸🇮🇪🎸🎶 @daveguitarjones]

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6in.

His statue is 17ft 4in.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

[Jim McIlwraith @Turkktowner]

@ladbible The Boys

[Benonwine @benonwine]

This is Absolutely 💯 True drop a ❤️ and Retweet if you AGREE 👍