.

.

[. @Unknown10837]

🎵I’m not a playa/I just crush a lot/and to be honest/it’s an absolute nightmare🎵

[. @Unknown10837]

Doctor: what brings you in?
Me: I’m sick
Doctor: how sick?
Me: *does double kickflip*
Doctor: holy fuck

[. @Unknown10837]

@sbellelauren You are too good for this world.

[Mindy Furano @MindyFurano]

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that slaves aren't immigrants.

[. @Unknown10837]

And for my next trick, I'll get anxiety from the anti-anxiety meds I took.

[. @Unknown10837]

♫ And I find it kind of funny/I find it kind of sad/that the dreams in which I'm dying are both very cool and rad. ♫

[. @Unknown10837]

"Resolve to do one thing everyday that you fear" is monumentally easy when each daily activity gives you crippling anxiety.

[. @Unknown10837]

*I sit down for performance review*
"So Matty, tell us a little about what you do here."
"I read GOT fan theories for 8 hours."

[. @Unknown10837]

For any @CornerBakery experts: doing a work lunch and wanted to know where's the best place in the restaurant to have a panic attack?

[. @Unknown10837]

They said dress for the job you want so I dressed in what I want to be buried in hahaha please kill me

[. @Unknown10837]

When I told this girl I was a "palcoholic" she didn't understand that I'm not single and also addicted to pals.

[. @Unknown10837]

Hi this is Matty sorry I can't take your call I'm hulled up in a Denny's bathroom wondering where it all went wrong please leave a message

[. @Unknown10837]

Me at home: The world is great. I wonder what I'll do this weekend.
Me at work: Getting murdered doesn't seem half bad.

[. @Unknown10837]

Hi, guys. My co-worker has Family Guy ringtones. How's your Thursday?

[. @Unknown10837]

Exciting to see so many people defending Cam being a sore loser but no one defending his Superbowl performance.

[. @Unknown10837]

.@GEICO can I get an insurance quote on the bandwagon that just crashed?

[. @Unknown10837]

Would you rather be suspected of murder, arson, or riding a hover board?

[. @Unknown10837]

.@neiltyson Just met a stoner who has never heard of the Illuminati. Was a black hole just created?

[. @Unknown10837]

Sommelier: How can I help?
Me: What wine pairs w best with a lifelong battle w depression?
S: Ha! Splendid, sir.
M: ☹
S: 😑
M: I'll do a PBR.

[. @Unknown10837]

What's the best way to tell this grown man crocheting in the airport that he's a GROWN MAN CROCHETING AT THE AIRPORT?