Upside Dad

Father of 9 at last count. Fan of The Office and Oxford commas. Seen in @HuffPostParents @Cheezburger @TODAYshow @BuzzFeed @BoredPanda and more. My tweets ⬇️

[Upside Dad @UpsideDad]

I bought some frozen corn at the store and the nice old lady at the checkout told me all about her family’s cream corn recipe and how I had to try it and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I just had a vasectomy and the corn was going on my balls.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

Every marriage has one person who wants to arrive at the airport 2 hours early & the other wants to arrive when they’re closing the gate.

[I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids]

Me (in a meeting): …no stigma…

My tween, from across the street: DID YOU JUST SAY NO SIGMA

[meghan @deloisivete]

Unmuting myself at the end of a meeting just to say "nothing on my end"

[Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa]

I’ll take early retirement for $500, Alex.

[Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking]

my gawd we still have 2 more working days left.

[Nicki💗 @AwkwardAndOdd]

I already tripped over my own feet twice this morning and it’s not even 8am

[Emily ™ @emily_tweets]

Can’t be held responsible for the things I say or do when I’m hungry.

[Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking]

"reply to all" was the worst invention to come with email.

[Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa]

Okay who put this water in my wine glass, reveal yourselves reverse Jesus.

[meghan @deloisivete]

My kid has been telling me about his video game for so long, I think it officially counts as a podcast

[Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking]

my favorite hobby is going to the grocery store starving and doing my best not to buy everything I see.

[Pastrami Mommy @ewelannawhite]

saying “who is it?” when the doctor knocks on the exam room door

[Kristen @Kica333]

My Uber driver didn’t try to talk to me the entire ride. Five stars.

[meghan @deloisivete]

A new house isn’t truly a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

Everything went downhill when we stopped loading planes from the back to the front.

[Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking]

I asked my 16 yo if he ate lunch earlier today. He said "yeah I had a big cinnamon roll". So single parenting is going well.

[Late to the party Laura @ericamorecambe]

I got 10 out of 10 for effort at the hygenist earlier. Having chocolate non-stop to celebrate.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

Me: I’m terrified of cheese.

Therapist: K, so?

Me: *screams*

[krista @kristabellerina]

My husband thinks I’m afraid to drive anywhere but it’s the lack of parking I’m really afraid of.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Man these are nice scissors

-me, about to get in trouble for opening a pack of bacon with my wife’s scissors.