Billy

I’m having a lot of fun tweeting even if nobody likes it

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you have no idea where your car title is and it’s a huge issue and you’re probably fucked

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

I paid good money, so I don’t think I should be getting any shit for breaking out baby carrots and a tub of hummus during a massage

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Prison guard: what do you want for your last meal before we -

Me: the electric chair.

Guard:

Me:

Guard: … can he do that?

Me: *swallows an armrest whole and starts gnawing on the wires

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Enjoy your one million DOLL-HAIRS you absolute fuckin buffoon

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

New superhero: MAN-MAN. As a teenager he was bitten by a radioactive man. Now he has both the powers of a man - AND another man. He also has tetanus.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Spider-Man but instead I shoot 150 hot dogs per minute from my wrists

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Imagine finding out your boyfriend covers his ears during fire drills 🤢 #embarrassing #strongears

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Making mountains out of molehills so the moles have a bigger house

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

I’d love to get my family into a group therapy session. Not that we have problems, I just think we could win.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

No, I’m actually not worried about how my tattoos will look when I’m old. I have Benjamin Buttons disease and my arm sleeve will look fuckin sick when I’m a baby.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Jesus was the original nepotism baby

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Brining the codpiece back in 2023, men’s fashion isn’t ready

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

@mail_oc Thank you for providing the sequel.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

If you wanna be the greatest, you gotta put in the work 🔥💯(I ate 5 cheese sticks today)

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Gargoyles are the backbone of the American economy. Retweet this to send Sleepy Joe a message: fund gargoyle manufacturing now!

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Do I “want honey??” A bee’s butt nectar!? Yeah, I’ll take a little.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

Edward Penishands

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

As of today, three strangers have told me, UNSOLICITED, that I look like captain America BEFORE he takes the super solider serum. Very upsetting stuff.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

I have no interest in aging with grace. I want to look staggeringly old. Like a prune stuffed with jelly and bones. When I ride through town on my rascal I want people to think it’s a zombie situation.

[Billy @WChristenfeld]

When the last dinosaurs saw the asteroid’s fiery descent and knew their time was up, they forgot all differences and had one big drug fueled orgy. T-Rex and Triceratops snortin’ n porkin’ alike. I think we can learn a lot from that.