Freckled Warrior

I shit glitter & worship Huey Lewis. Single mom, elephant lover, beer drinker, book reader. On IG, too.

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

Left the house today.
Very hot.
There were people.
Zero stars.
Do not recommend.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

I knew I was old when I started siding with Homer instead of Bart.

[Cabo 🍳🇺🇸 @Shot_Of_Cabo]

My son gave me the best father's day gift ever.

His GF's nudes.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Back in the 80's, we stayed outside until the streetlights came on so our parents could do cocaine and have sex in peace.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

You look like the kinda guy that wears his sweater tied around his waist.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Moods @doll_partzz]

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

[Velma The Funny @Velma_the_Funny]

Using you for sex? No honey, I am using you for your washer & dryer.

[Emmy Bacon 🇨🇦 @EmmyStar79]

If someone takes down their walls for you, don't hurt them.

[Jasper Von Doom @Donniesucks]

My mouth is always so sore after the dentist. Really need to find a new one, with a smaller dick.

[Chester Copperpot @SCBamaMan]

Imagine finding your soulmate and discovering they don't like Combos, the delightful cheese-filled pretzel snack.

[Freckled Warrior @WarriorFreckled]

"IT ISN'T A HAPPY MEAL UNLESS IT COMES WITH A SHOT OF WHISKEY!" I yell to the McDonald's employee handing me food thru the drive thru window

[Swishergirl @Swishergirl24]

I was in a good mood once. It was nice.