Watyekele @Watyekele6 - Twitter Profile

about 1 month ago

Conor Neill: "18 years of school trained you to ruin conversations" "You finish your pitch and the customer says, 'Your product is too expensive!' You arrive home, you're a few minutes late, your partner says, 'You are always late.' A dirty plate is left on the table... 'You never wash the dishes.' What do you say in this moment?" The problem: "Most of you... went through 14 years of school where you were taught one way to respond to questions. Teacher asks a question: 'How do you spell cats?' Student: 'C-A-T.' Teacher: 'What is the biological process called osmosis?' Student puts hand up, explains in detail the process through which cell membranes allow water to go from one side to the other." He continues: "For 14 years you've been taught that you receive and answer a question. If you went to university, you probably had another 3, 4 years where you gave answers to questions." On why answering is the worst response: "In real life, in persuasion, in getting to what the other person is really about, what their needs really are... the worst thing you can do is give an answer to a question." He explains: "If someone says 'your product is too expensive' and you say 'No it's not! It's only €1,000'... you've lost every chance to understand what else is behind their reasoning. If you get home and your partner says 'you're always late!' and you say 'No no no! Tuesday I definitely was here on time'... you're gonna have a crap weekend." The insight: "You've had 14... if not 18 years of training that you answer questions. And it's going to cause fights in your home life. It's going to cause problems at work. It means you're not selling anything. Because when someone says 'your product is too expensive'... that's not what their real issue is. When someone says 'I will have to speak to my boss'... that's not what their real issue is." On emotion and thinking: "When your partner says 'you're always late'... emotion goes up. And what happens? This part disconnects. The higher emotion goes... the lower thinking goes." The implication: "The way to make someone stupider is insult them, object to them, tell them they are wrong. When asked a question, there's an emotional reaction." On why you must practice: "If you don't practice this response, you're not going to be able to do it in the moment." He lists the objections: "'You're always late!'... 'You never wash the dishes!'... 'You never do your part of the share!'... 'Your product is too expensive!'... 'Your competitor is better!'... 'You failed us 3 years ago!'... 'I don't trust your company!' If you don't practice this habit of not giving an answer... you're not going to be able to do it in the heat of the moment." Neill calls this "Conversation Aikido": "Martial arts are about using the energy, the force of the opponent against them. In judo, if someone punches you, you pull their arm and allow the energy to keep flowing. In Aikido, the concept is you go towards the punch. Go towards the energy." He explains: "If someone punches you... if someone asks you a question... if someone objects, says you're wrong... the Aikido method is go towards and see the world from their view. In Aikido, you learn to go towards the punch, dodge it, and look... and you are seeing the world in the same direction as the person who's attacking you." The technique: "When you are asked a question or given an objection... say 'I understand' and repeat in your words what they're saying. Then give an open question back." Example: "'Your product is too expensive!' → 'I understand that money is an important factor for you. What other criteria will be used in taking this decision?'" He adds: "It takes some habit to start to be able to give 'I understand' and fill in good words. You will have to work on this quite a few times over the next 10 years to find the set of words that captures what the other person feels... what's behind it." He explains with an example: "'You're always late!' → 'I understand you feel frustrated.' 'I understand you feel let down.' Then: 'What can we do now?' 'What happened during the day?' 'What would you like to talk about?'" On unlearning: "This takes 14 years of it being drummed into you... 4 more, 18 if you went to university. It's gonna take you at least 18 years to get out of the habit of responding to questions with answers." The lesson: "We live in an uncertain world and we don't have the answers. But by giving the answer, we shut down the possibility of hearing what's really going on in the other person's mind... in the other person's business... what other things are going on." On the 4th question: "I guarantee that if you do it 4 times... the answer to your 4th open question begins to be the real underlying need, issue, interest of the person you're listening to."

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