Winter

Strong legs, weak heart.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

The doctor saying I had good salivary glands was the first time I didn't hear "What that mouth do?" but "That's what that mouth do."

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

In a cruel twist of fate I was forced to pry my acrylics off for the first time in years. Please be gracious to me during my baddie sabbatical 🙏

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

I'm flaunting this adorable arrangement of butterfly bandaids on my boob since a biopsy. Looking mad cute as the Nelly of tits!

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

These can not be the children Whitney believed were our future.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

I was notified my library books are overdue, and I wasn't overcome by emotions of deep shame. #HealedFromReligiousTrauma?

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Please let me crash your Halloween party 🙏
I need to get arrested in my skims bush model costume tonight 🎃

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Sorry, I can't hang out until I finish my homework 😒 #WatchingReelsAndTiktoksFromMyBrothersAndSister

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Love the sinner, hate the sin applies to when your friend marries a bitch.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Plain and simple, Kirkland milk packaging is ableist.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Bieber dropped an album with 44 songs, yet none of them have that Justin sais quoi. I really needed this, Justy.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

I love physical therapists, because they'll ask do you have something like this at home? And it's 4 tennis balls taped together. Sweet baby angel, no. I do not.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Great news, I was baptized at twisters XD! Bad news, I am in love with the cowboy scientist born in the heart of a tornado. Never stop wearing wet white t shirts, Glen Powell.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

I am pleading for a chance to be the Bachelorette! If you vote for me, as your the Bachelorette, I promise to take ecstasy before every date.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Am I the only one that feels fucking exquisite picking out apples at the grocery store?

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

My brother was trying to convince my mom and I that magic Mike is not what you'd expect, then put on a 20 minute scene of Channing Tatum humping on Salma Hayek, and I'm like this is exactly what I expected.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Say what you will, but Ariana Grande's new album inspires hope, that my friends will gain the courage to leave their husbands. #TheGhostOfWinterFutureToo

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

"It doesn't bother me that my stepmom is my same age, it bothers me that she's my cousin."

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

The ubiquity of advertisements is getting ridiculous. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if my whole existence has been sponsored by pork 'n' beans, and I'm just now being made aware.

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Happy fucking leap day! If you saw a picture of me 4 years ago, you would think I had been to war. #Traumatized

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

Concluded the evening taking turns with my sister yelling: NO I LOOK LIKE SODA THE DOG! #SodaTheDogWasMyGrandmasToothlessDeformedMiniatureDachshund

[Winter @Wintersaulter]

I didn't think the margaritas were that strong, until I called little shop of horrors the littlest pet shop.