Samuel A Torres

2-1/2 time laser tag winner.I am married but still in competition for her love cause cats.I once saw Jesus on a piece of toast & still ate it I have yet to poop

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Hey @pitbull if you and @SnoopDogg get into a fight does that make it a dog fight? Asking for a friend.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Picking toys up around my son while he takes is ONLY nap of the day on the floor is the parent equivalent to Russian roulette

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@Gabstopper7 Haha I hope that’s a good thing

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

There are literal cars that drive themselves but we throw our hands up and surrender to bread ties as a solution?Half the time I end up just putting the plastic into a knot and hoping that is good enough. My time is too important for the bread tie, tiktok won’t scroll it’s self

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Yesterday when going through the CVS drive through I accidentally touched finger tips when the man handed me my meds. He locked eyes with me.I have not stopped thinking about it since and I’ve never felt so violated.He still made me pay for the meds

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@therealenielsen I was really feeling the song. I felt Jesus in the room lol

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@therealenielsen Lol I mean we “ALWAYS” put our laundry away

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Look I’m not scared of the dark, but I’m not not scared of the dark either. I’m just saying given a choice between the two I’m gonna choose being able to see that the pile of clothes in my room isn’t actually a monster in the room.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Remember there is alway someone else to blame for your problems. Like when it’s 5am and you drop a knife on the floor while making a pb&j and your baby wakes up, it’s sir Isaac Newton’s fault for inventing gravity. Asshole

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@therealenielsen I’m naturally a funny person but my jokes have reached a whole new level of greatness. For example here is one Wife: I’m pregnant Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@thesarcastigirl I am going to fully embrace that when Elise pops. I can't wait lol

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Yes I’m gonna be a dad in 18 days but don’t think I’m old or anything. I’m so hip, I mean I still totally get “some” of the jokes on snl, I also definitely don’t ignore the iPhone updates because I don’t understand/am intimidated by the changes. #NoCap (Did I use that right?)

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@ian_m_black You understand my pain.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Am I the only one who throws hands with their shower curtain when showering? It’s always rubbing up on my body and trying to grope me. I’m about to me too that thing.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Now that I know I’m having a boy I’ve suddenly become concerned with the responsibility of blood lines. I now carry the “need” to protect and carry on my name as if I’m a Game of Thrones character. This boy better make me look good, cause If not dead me is gonna be pissed.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Needless to say I am still depressed if not more now knowing this woman ate a boiled belt for dinner. And not just once but twice in her life and one of those times she wasnt even forced to. She just chose to only to show people on YouTube that she could.Who said we ever doubted?

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

ouTube for some reason recommended a video called cooking in the great depression and my dumbass read cooking for depression and clicked on the video. I didn't sleep till 3 in the morning watching a 93 year old woman cook old meals she ate during the Great Depression.

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

@HatelynCrook Apparently...but you wouldn’t understand. It’s a dad thing lol

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

Being that Im a soon to be father I feel as if I’m in a very crucial moment in my life that will ultimately define my future. Do I summit to the hand of time and start suddenly caring about mowed lawns or do I stay hip and learn what a TikTok is?

[Samuel A Torres @WokeWordsOfSam]

This past Friday night I poured milk into a bowl before pouring the cereal in and I have not been able to stop thinking about how wrong that moment felt. Is this what shame feels like?