Dreadful man of the match awards 🏆

Bringing you the best/worst man of the match prizes ever awarded. DMs open

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Kolo Toure went to ridiculous lengths to get laid.

For two years, the City defender led a secret double life, posing as a used car salesman to woo his student mistress.

From secret families to surprises in the shower, this is the story of Kolo's con trick...

Our story begins in the 2am drizzle outside a Manchester nightclub.

After deploying his famous Ivorian charm, Kolo Toure swaps numbers with 22-year-old student Kessel Kasuisyo.

The pair agree to meet at a hotel the next day.

To keep his identity a secret, Kolo cooks up an elaborate alter ego.

He is Francois, a successful Ghanaian car salesman named, who moved to Manchester as a student.

“I told him he looked familiar” Kessel later recalled, “but he just said maybe he looks like somebody.

"He said he sold cars in Africa and did some charity work.”
Not a football fan, Kessel has no clue who he really is.

Over two years, Kolo lives a double life, sneaking round to the student’s council flat disguised with a baseball cap and a pair of Top Gun aviators.

He buys her “sexy white lingerie”, and calls from private numbers so she “doesn't waste her money calling.”

And the act doesn't stop there.

In an Oscar-worthy performance, Toure gets down on one knee with a diamond ring, professing his love.

And when he disappears for a few months, he has an explanation for that too.

Kolo claims he was back in Ghana flogging second hand Range Rovers, but the reality is slightly different.

He was in the Ivory Coast… marrying his actual wife.
So how is Kolo’s exhausting charade eventually rumbled?

The City defender always insisted his student lover didn’t take any photos of him, but one day, she sneakily grabs one while he's in the shower.
She shows the picture to a friend, who instantly recognises the footballing megastar and urges her to google “Kolo Toure”.

After discovering photos of her beau lifting the Premier League trophy, as well as snaps from his recent wedding, the game is up.

Farewell Francois, Ghana’s most celebrated car salesman…

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

When Roman Abramovich rocked up at Chelsea, it kicked off an incredibly weird decade of silverware, scandal and simmering sexual tension.

It was the stuff of Hollywood: guns in training, blood-sucking strikers and enough coke to see off Scarface.

Welcome to the Roman empire...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Brazilian striker Romario was an absolute shagger.

In the words of one teammate, “He was only interested in two things: football and fucking.”

From gangland kidnappings to corrupting Ronaldo, this is the story of randy Rom...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Faustino Asprilla once summed up his philosophy: "lots of sex, no rules and pure life.”

The Newcastle cult hero boozed on the team bus, brought a gun to training, and faced down bloodthirsty drug lords.

Meet Colombia's finest export...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Everyone knows Roy Keane is a mad bastard.

The United legend humiliated teammates, knocked out opponents and scrapped with his own manager.

But that's not the half of it.

From drunken headbutts to kung fu kicks in the dressing room, this is his story...

[Dreadful man of the match awards 🏆 @WorstPrizesEver]

A must read

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Diego Maradona and Napoli: it was football's wildest romance.

A head-spinning cocktail of devotion, chaos and unrivalled glory - plus enough class As to kill a horse...

From plastic penises to cocaine in the Pope's bathroom, this is the story Netflix won't tell you.

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Eric Cantona raised hell in the Premier League. But that was only Part 2 of his utterly mental career.

After punching teammates, decking fans, and insulting the nation, 'King Eric' left France in disgrace at 25.

Here's the little-known tale of how it all unravelled...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Paris St Germain is a toxic snake pit at the best of times, but the scandal tearing their women's team apart is truly insane.

From assaults by masked men to flings with French legends, The Hamraoui Affair has it all.

Welcome to French football's latest sordid saga...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

You might remember Jese Rodriguez as a misfiring Stoke striker with a penchant for awful sunglasses.

But his off-field antics are worthy of a soap opera.

From exploding apartments to getting run over by his fiancée, here's the story of his truly ludicrous life...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

With Messi finally victorious, there's only one prize left to win: the World Cup's biggest villain.

And there are some serious contenders.

From battering cameramen to shagging the trophy, here are the Qatar 2022's biggest wrong'uns...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Did Jack Grealish just say "we were the best thing since sliced veg" ???

[Brandon Veale @redveale]

This feels like something from @WorstPrizesEver.

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Looks like it’s coming home

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

DB7 Davide Beckerrrr

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Gareth Southgate names his England squad tomorrow, and as your grandmother might say, "they seem like a lovely bunch."

But the current crop aren't complete angels.

From scrapping with police to propositioning pregnant fans, we've rated the squad's wildest moments...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Mario Balotelli is a mad bastard.

From lobbing darts at teammates to burning his own house down, the Italian striker wreaks havoc wherever he goes.

Here's a recap of his wildest moments...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

It's been another very weird month of sport.

From backflip penalties to poppers on the bench here's our rundown of October's 10 strangest moments...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

From human trafficking to arson, Mauro Icardi's love life has thrown up some ludicrous drama.

As the Galatasaray striker goes AWOL again, here's the story of football's most chaotic marriage.

Welcome to the wild world of Mauro and Wanda Icardi...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Getting the sack is never easy for a manager.

But luckily for Steve Bruce, he has a second career to fall back on.

Back in 1999, Bruce published a trilogy of football murder mystery novels starring his alter-ego Steve Barnes. And they're absolutely amazing...

[The Upshot podcast @UpshotTowers]

Welcome to part 2 of our dive into the sexually-charged world of French football, where you're never sure if your teammate will stab you or stick their tongue down your throat.

From knobbing nurses to hiring witch doctors, here are 10 more tales from a strange, sordid decade...