YourFavoriteMike

Elon Musk hate account. Cholesterol enthusiast. Peaked early.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@MissGinaDarling Going to start ominously referring to the night I was conceived as "The Jab" around my parents and see how it goes.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@Jomboy_ Dude couldn’t have touched the bag more thoroughly if he had ripped it off the ground and shoved it up his own asshole.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@ItsXanthor The one on the left is for cold water, the one on the right is for ketchup.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@MaryHellScream @KaijiTang Words no man ever wants to hear from his spouse 😧

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@WritingMadness @coanimefest Dude, you know I have a habit of skimming when I read sometimes. I thought you said you’re at Coal Mine Fest, and I figured you’re a guy with diverse interests, so I was ready to accept it without question.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@SimplyAllegra “Oh God, what if he remembers me? 😥 Oh God… what if he DOESN’T remember me? 😠”

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

Going into the new year prepared to make every single mistake I've ever made in previous years all over again, except exponentially worse this time.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@MissGinaDarling Dawg of course I use a flat sheet. What else am I gonna get my legs tangled in while attempting to catapult my 25% conscious body out of bed in the morning?

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@ClaytonT Get a restraining order, Porter.
Take a vacation to Palermo, Guillermo.
Duck behind the counter of the 7-11, Evan.

Starting to think Paul Simon just didn’t have the gumption to go beyond 50.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@ChrisHackneyGGK I mean, when compared to the full scope of human history, May 2024 and November 2025 are basically the same month.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@SuzieYeung Girl's jacked, looking like she's the one who silenced the hill.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@KaijiTang FINALLY, I know what to do with grandma's ashes...

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@nessguerrero Is that not how we ALL show affection?

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@Lexy_Snipes LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@RonwellQDobbs @nessguerrero The endurance and dedication it would take to do that would have me even MORE terrified. It tells me this ape has NO LIMITS.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@SimplyAllegra Next time I have to be anesthetized, I can only hope to drift off to such a banger.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@Ajtucker22 “Trading” is a bit of a misnomer for what we did with Carlos Correa. That implies that we got, or even asked for, something in return. Fucking Pohlads are just stripping all the copper pipes from the walls on their way out.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

Dude I work with was sitting there looking at his phone, and at one point he said “Well, she’s gone.” So naturally, I started singing She’s Gone by Daryl Hall & John Oates at full volume. Truly an incredible song, one of my favorites.

Anyway, it turns out his grandma died… 😬

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

I’m not suffering from male pattern baldness, I prefer to call it a hairline fracture.

[YourFavoriteMike @YerFavoriteMike]

@kniightly I should call her…