Cartwright

[🎷🦭 Ponsuke 🎷🦭 @PonsukeTheSilly]

telling googles ai that im eating and drinking increasing amounts of salami and monster energy until it starts shouting at me to get help

[Hazel Appleyard @HazelAppleyard]

I thought there was no way this was real… it had to be parody… so I looked it up myself.

It’s real. @HelloFresh are advertising their product as being good for clearing out your rectum in preparation for anal s*x during Pride Month.

I’m so done with this timeline.

[Bobby Wagner @bwags]

few things in our modern society are more insulting than when a movie is only streaming on MGM+. I’d rather you just tell me it’s not streaming at all

[The Free Press @TheFP]

"Even when I was too sick to stand, drink water, or think straight, I thought to myself, ‘at least you might lose some weight.’"

[Situation Monitor @sitchmonitor1]

@BowTiedRanger The craziest thing for me about this crash out is discovering that Mormons have no apologetics. If you question the legitimacy of the Book of Mormon, they have no logical, archeological, or even metaphysical response.

[Jake Bennett @jakegbennett]

I swear to God “Easter egg” has become the term for “I didn’t pay attention to the movie” and not what it actually used to mean.

[Dissproportionately @dissproportion]

I am so FUCKING STRESSED OUT from running my dolls’ Instagram account, I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. I told my therapist, she said, “well take a break from your dolls’ instagram account.” I said, “I CAN’T! IT’S MY SOLE SOURCE OF INCOME!” I have to post a picture of the fucking dolls…everyday. Every fucking day, four or five reels with the dolls, playing with them, we’re whipping their arms around in the air, throwing them. I’ve pumped all my money into these fucking dolls. My fans will comment stuff about how the work I’m doing is important, bringing the doll…bringing the attention of the doll community…or bringing the dolls to attention…doll issues to the forefront. Piece of shit fucking dolls. I hate those fucking dolls!

[Lu for Alaska @luinalaska]

Hey guys what do we want people to viscerally connect with our food? What if, and I might be talking crazy, we say that our food helps you clean out your colon? Duh because there is poop there. So they can have a*** sex!!! For pride ™️!

Thanks, hello fresh! Yum!!!!! 🍲

[droid mom @notdroidmom]

all other issues aside, i’d be super uncomfortable to find out an adult was in a group chat with my child. i would be immediately making her leave that group chat.

[Ned Middles @NedMiddles1]

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT had some all time guest stars, but MARTIN SHORT as The Bullet might be the best. 🤣🤣🤣

[🌪 @honeyviczous]

Fui colocar a roupa pra lavar e fiquei me perguntando pq não conseguia separar a meia da calça da minha sobrinha. Aí percebi que ela costurou a meia pra fazer um bolso interno pra guardar o celular, essa menina ja ta em 2050🫠

[Flesh Simulator @fleshsimulator]

I can see how they came up with pokemon

[Antidepressant Content @depressionlesss]

cats do not explain themselves. they simply walk away from rooms that feel wrong.

there’s wisdom in that.

[Ben Dreyfuss @bendreyfuss]

“Hi im here to drop my dog off for grooming”
“Ok what’s his name?”
“HER name is Princess Cuckoo Slut”
“Uh I’ll just put her down as Princess”
“She won’t respond to that”

[777 @_garrettcharles]

adjusting for wealth rates this is the spiritual equivalent of your high school classmate who never left home having their reception at Olive Garden

[Jake @JakeWally]

THE most load-bearing post of our time

[Rachel Zader @RachelZader]

Fun fact you can buy B12 injectable on Amazon. All the reviews are like "my cow loved this for his B12 deficiency and has more energy at the office"

[Whar❓️ @the_whar]

The type of shit Riddler says when Batman's on his last nerve:

[Molly🎧🏳️‍🌈 @RasberryRazz]

30 Rock is the greatest show ever specifically because of the Rural Juror and it’s sequel Urban Fervor written by John Grisham’s brother Kevin Grisham who used to work at a recycling plant before writing novels.

[Arthur Dent @ARTHURdented]

Still laughing thinking about this.