Zoë Kaiser

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

Me: “He was the bad guy in Armageddon”
BF: “He wasn’t the bad guy”
Me: “Well, he started the bomb”
BF: “The asteroid was the bad guy”

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

left the bar tonight with a purse full of fries. I keep that strap on me.

[Dylan is Here For It All🦋 @Dylusionzzz]

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponential, logarithmic, while I gasp for air, scream, and see the light. Missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over, in the basement, against the window, having the most toe-curling, back-arching, leg-shaking, dick-throbbing, fist-clenching, ear-ringing, mouth-drooling, ass-clenching, nose-sniffling, eye-watering, eye-rolling, hip-thrusting, earthquaking, sheet-gripping, knuckles-cracking, jaw-dropping, hair-pulling, teeth-jittering, mind-boggling, soul-snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moan-inducing, heart-wrenching, spine-tingling, back-breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip-biting, gravity-defying, nail-biting, sweaty, feet-kicking, mind-blowing, body-shivering, orgasmic, bone-breaking, world-ending, black hole-creating, universe-destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body-numbing, bark-worthy, can’t-walk, head-nodding, soul-evaporating, volcano-erupting, sweat-rolling, voice-cracking, trembling, sheets-soaked, hair-drenched, flabbergasting, lip-locking, skin-peeling, eyelash-removing, eye-widening, pussy-popping, nail-scratching, back-cutting, spectacular, brain-cell-dissolving, hair-ripping, show-stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal, mouth-foaming, heavenly, awakening, devil’s tango. He could put a nuclear bomb inside me and I’d still ride it. I would give this man the sloppiest, wettest, creamiest, soul-taking, slimy, life-changing, death-dropping, heaven-sent, flabbergasting, hypnotizing, ungodly, astonishing, leg-trembling, back-arched, hands-desperately-grabbing-the-sheets, legs-stretching-out-again-and-again, toe-curling, voice-breaking, whimper-causing, waist-slowly-moving-up-and-down, small heavy breath “I can’t take much more of this,” breaths getting quicker, twitching, throbbing, eyes shut, lip-biting, edging, begging for relief, warm hot rush bubbling up, spit upon the tongue twisting ground tip-talking against the mouth, sideways spit from the end, and lick from the bottom to the top, then spit and lick to the bottom, deep-throating, thrusting slower then faster, faster, FASTER, twisting mouth around each side, spiritually enlightening, chakra-aligning, mangekyō sharingan unlocking, golden light like a halo, noise from the very edge of his throat for the final, hardest release ever…and THEN I’d let him pound me so FUCKING HARD UNTIL HE IMPREGNATES ME WITH HIS BABIES. My prayers for you be like no lube, no protection from the condom or the Lord, all night all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the church, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, while I gasp for air and scream the Lord’s Prayer. YOU, sir, can OBLITERATE me. He could put a nuclear bomb inside me and I’d still ride.

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

@kekemagee Is at Backyard Social. 😂😂😂

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

@kekemagee Literal baby shit OR babies in general?!

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

Me: decides to get into basketball at 29 💁🏼‍♀️
Whattaya say @mcuban 🤣🤣🤣

[kie @criminalplaza]

its him

[𝚂𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚊 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎⸆⸉ 🫶🏻✨🦋🧡❤️‍🔥 @amberskiesulove]

Which do you think we’ll get first? Rep TV or the truth about Kate Middleton?

[Courtland 🫶🏾 @DamnCourtland]

How dare my job ask me to actually do work today. 🙄

[grace @myyylover]

me if there was award for watching videos of taylor swift in travis kelce’s arms

[stop talking dirty to me(ghan) @babyouremyqueen]

scott swift in a vegas club with ice spice wouldve felt crazy a year ago now it just seems right

[ivy @ivyonthemove]

ACT 1 CUNT —-> ACT 2 CUNTRY

[swiftie wins @swifferwins]

THEM POINTING AT EACH OTHER FOR PRINCE AND PRINCESS I HAVE PASSED AWAY

[katie @bigrepupizzas]

the chiefs are playing like they’re the ones that just played 4 shows in tokyo and flew back to be here

[Brooke Pryor @bepryor]

I need the tracy chapman and luke combs fast car duet released and i need it to be released right now.

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

Asked my Alexa if they were a #Swiftie & either she’s clowning me or I’ve gone full Swiftie delulu, but tell me why she responded “I like Taylor Swift she has an awesome Reputation” Um excuse me. Do you know something ma’am?

[Zoë Kaiser @Zoe_Alexis]

*in Mariah Carey’s voice*🎶all I want for Christmas is……my post-nasal drip to go awayyyyyyyyyy🎶

[Meech @MediumSizeMeech]

Just because I say “who am I to judge” doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do it, be serious