Heatherbelle

If a zombie apocalypse broke out *right now*, am I going to be able to GTFO in these shoes?

[sarina @sariverse]

divisive take but the tiny neighborhood café is a place for reading and small talk with friends and shouldn’t be your work zoom call setting

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

@CramerTracker Every damn time! Someone, please tell me where I can stream "28 days later" or "Where'd you go, Bernadette?" without buying it for $18 CAD

[Jennifer Parker @Mrs_JParker]

School email: It’s fundraiser time! Please see the attached inform—

*delete*

[the human anachronism™️ @FullAsMuchHeart]

Just saw someone saying using the em-dash is a sign of something being written by AI, because real people rarely use it. This is terrible news for everyone like me who has an unhealthy emotional attachment to the em-dash.

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

I would pay extra for a dental hygienist who was comfortable with silence.

[Kristen @Kica333]

Sugar company: What if we sell it in a paper bag that’s not fully sealed at the bottom?

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

@IHideFromMyKids ...she confirms she's going to tint my eyebrows without me saying anything. What if I *wanted* my random unruly white eyebrow hairs? 😅

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

@dadmann_walking To make it worse, I gotta go for jury selection duty tomorrow. We are way to g.d. busy at work for me to be selected!!! Upside: paid day off work, get to read my book while I wait to see if I'm needed...

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

@dadmann_walking They're really awful, but I swear, 30 yrs ago they used to be good.

[Paul Bronks @SlenderSherbet]

What middle-aged men actually look like in skinny jeans.

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

@daddygofish

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

@dadmann_walking Hi. Someone at work agreed to increase the reporting metrics from monthly to weekly and now, as the person who has to DO all this extra work, I am feeling stabby.

[Heatherbelle @ZombieFan99]

I'm not crying, you're crying.

[Niall Harbison @NiallHarbison]

https://t.co/ACH2rlQyVR

[Kristen @Kica333]

I’m currently doing this challenge called January. Where you just try to make it through every day of January.

[Louis Virtel @louisvirtel]

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

I used to wonder why my dad got so upset about shoes being in the middle of the floor, but now I get it. I totally get it

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Welcome to your 40’s: stop agreeing to go to New Year’s Eve parties, you’re not gonna make it.

[Jonathan Edward Durham @thisone0verhere]

I don’t have two wolves inside me, I have half a dozen orange cats and none of them get along and they all want something different for dinner

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

You can't just say "Goddammit!" and expect Me to damn it. There's a procedure. File the paperwork.

[Turgid Verse @gullyvuhr]

In your 40s three ibuprofen will do more for you than any human being can.