CJ

Proud deplorable piece of garbage, who likes a smack in the ass.

[Stacy is Right @PoliticalStacy]

The new renaissance.

[Greg Abbott @GregAbbott_TX]

Texas’s statewide prosecutor when Talarico says his favorite thing is trans kids.

[Mostly Peaceful Memes @MostlyPeaceful]

Kids when you say the swear word you told them not to say

[Jon Root @JonnyRoot_]

Phoenix Mercury associate head coach Kristi Toliver showed support on Instagram for Alyssa Thomas, who was suspended for one game for punching Caitlin Clark in the throat.

She included a quote from Michelle Obama’s 2016 DNC speech: “When they go low, we go high”

The full quote is: “How we explain that when someone is cruel, or acts like a bully, you don't stoop to their level - no, our motto is, when they go low, we go high."

Thomas punched Clark in the throat & kneed her in the groin, but Thomas is the victim?! This level of delusion must be studied…

[Today Years Old @todayyearsold]

Me every time another perfectly captioned Sophie Cunningham meme hits my timeline

[Mostly Peaceful Memes @MostlyPeaceful]

When my wife doesn’t listen to my advice and it goes poorly just like I said it would

[CJ @_CJMad]

@ColbyHoyle

[MoneyPrinterGoBrrr @printer_brrr]

My toddler when he hears me say a “bad word”

[@amuse @amuse]

https://t.co/5tedBik5II

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

Nats Fans were chanting “Fuck Bryce Harper” in right field, he responded with this tank and a bird to the bleachers

[Matt Burnell @mdburnell]

I would like to personally congratulate Sophie Cunningham on becoming a first ballot Meme Hall of Famer. A truly generational performance.

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

A restaurant in Amarillo, Texas. Yellow building. Blue trim. Bull statue out front the size of a small house. Sign on the door:

72 OZ STEAK — FREE IF YOU FINISH IN ONE HOUR — $72 IF YOU DON'T

I read it three times.

A cowboy in a black hat was leaning on the door frame.

"Howdy, partner. Doin' the challenge?"

"...I have only just arrived."

"Yeah, but are you doin' the challenge?"

"You issue a duel to a man who has not yet removed his hat."

"...I don't follow."

"In my country a challenge is presented in a written letter, by a second, on horseback."

"Sir, where I'm from, it comes with a baked potato."

"...That is, I will admit, the better delivery."

"You doin' it?"

"I am."

He pushed open the door.

"Darla! We got one!"

A hostess in a denim shirt looked up from the gift shop, name tag DARLA. She came over with the warmth of a woman who has seen everything walk through that door at least twice.

"Aw, honey, you sure?"

"I have signed nothing yet. I am still, by my own laws, allowed to leave."

"Nobody's stoppin' you, sugar. You wanna leave?"

"...I do not."

"Then come on."

She led me past the gift shop, past the arcade, past a hundred families eating regular steaks at regular tables. In the middle of the dining room, on a raised wooden platform under a spotlight, a table for six sat empty.

"Up you go."

I bowed to the platform. I climbed the three steps. I sat.

Six hundred and fifty seats slowly noticed that the platform was occupied.

"You want me to read you the rules, hon?"

"Please."

"Rule one. Eat all of it in one hour."

"All."

"Rule two. Don't stand up."

"I am, then, chained to this seat by an honor I have only just discovered I have."

"Yep, that's rule two."

"Rule three."

"Nobody helps you."

"I would refuse help even if it were offered. Help is the death of the test."

"Rule four. You get sick, you lose."

"...I will not get sick."

"That's what they all say, sugar."

"I am, with respect, not them."

"...That's what they all say too."

Darla handed me the waiver. I signed it. She slid it into a binder that was, I noticed, already very full.

"Last rule. You get one bite of the steak first. If you say it's cooked right, we start the clock."

"...One bite to approve the opponent."

"To approve the opponent. I like that. I'm gonna use that."

A waiter arrived, a tall man with a clean apron and a stopwatch. Name tag MAVERICK.

"Sir. The challenge."

It was not a meal. It was a small landscape.

The steak was the length of my forearm. The baked potato was the size of my fist with butter pooled in its center. Four pink shrimp the size of a man's thumb stood around a glass of cocktail sauce. A salad in a wooden bowl. A roll. A small pat of butter, sitting off to the side with the patience of a junior officer.

"Take a bite of the steak, sir. Just to make sure."

I cut a piece. I ate it.

"...The opponent is worthy. Begin."

Maverick clicked the stopwatch.

Somewhere, a bell rang.

The dining room, all of it, turned its head.

For the first three minutes, no one spoke. I cut clean pieces. I chewed thoroughly. A man being watched by a room must eat as if the steak is also being watched.

Then Maverick, who was standing at the foot of the platform with both hands behind his back like a butler at a state dinner, said:

"Doin' good, sir."

"...I am only three minutes in."

"Yeah, but you're doin' it with style."

"A samurai cannot eat without style. To eat without style is to insult the cow."

"...I'm gonna write that down."

He did not write it down. He had no pen. He had a stopwatch.

At ten minutes, a small boy at a nearby table, maybe seven, stood on his chair and yelled across the dining room:

"GET HIM!"

His mother grabbed his sleeve.

"Get who, baby? It's a steak."

"GET HIM."

I lowered my fork. I rose, just slightly, in my chair, and bowed to the boy from the high seat.

The boy slammed both hands over his mouth.

His mother turned to her husband. "Did the samurai just bow at our son."

"He did."

"What do we do."

"I don't know."

The boy bowed back. He did not know how. He just bent at the waist as far as a seven-year-old can bend, which is most of the way, and held it.

I bowed deeper.

The boy bowed deeper.

His mother said, very quietly, "we're going to be here a while."

At twenty minutes, half the steak was gone. Maverick had moved from "both hands behind his back" to "one hand on the railing of the platform, leaning slightly forward."

"Sir."

"Yes."

"You're ahead of pace."

"Define pace."

"The average guy who finishes, he's about a third through right now."

"Then I am one third faster than the average successful man."

"Yeah."

"This is concerning."

"...Why?"

"In my country, when one is ahead in a duel, one is usually about to lose it. The man who is winning relaxes. The man who is relaxed, drops his guard."

"Sir, you're eating a steak."

"That is exactly what the relaxed man would say."

Maverick stared at the steak. Then at the stopwatch. Then back at the steak.

"...Just keep eating, sir."

"That is my plan."

At thirty minutes, the baked potato. Butter had gone into it the way salt goes into a wound, but in this case, making the wound delicious. A grandfather at the next table, in a cowboy hat, raised his beer at me.

"You got this, partner."

"...I have what."

"You got this. It's just a sayin'."

"You possess the situation."

"Yeah."

"Then I, also, possess the situation."

"Damn right."

He drank his beer. I ate my potato. We had reached, in twelve seconds, the kind of agreement that takes most countries treaties.

At forty minutes, the salad arrived in my path. The salad is the trick. It looks easy. It is not. It has volume but no weight. A man at minute forty has run out of room for things that do not pay for their space.

I ate the salad.

I ate it with the dignity of a man who has agreed, by treaty, to eat the side of his enemy that does not deserve to be eaten.

At forty-five minutes, the roll. The butter sealed something in my chest that had been threatening to open.

At fifty minutes, the last shrimp.

At fifty-three minutes, only the steak remained. About a quarter of it. Enough to be a meal in any country in the world that was not Texas.

The small crowd at the foot of the platform had grown. The boy who had yelled GET HIM was now standing as close as his mother would let him, which was approximately three feet, holding a balloon shaped like a longhorn.

"Sir."

It was Maverick.

"Yes."

"Six minutes left."

"I am aware."

"You're gonna make it."

"A samurai does not finish a duel by being told he is going to finish it. He finishes it by finishing it."

"...So can I stop saying you're gonna make it?"

"Please."

He stopped.

I ate. I did not hurry. A samurai accelerates the work, never the dignity.

At fifty-eight minutes, one final piece remained. A small triangle. The corner of the cutting board. The last of Texas.

I cut it in half. I ate one half. I ate the other.

I swallowed.

The bell rang.

The dining room rose.

Six hundred and fifty people, standing at their tables, clapping. The boy at the foot of the platform threw his longhorn balloon in the air. His mother did not stop him. His father took out his phone and started recording, four full minutes after he should have.

Maverick clicked the stopwatch. He looked at it. He looked at me.

"Two minutes, eleven seconds to spare."

"...The opponent yielded with margin. Honorable."

"Sir, the opponent was already dead."

"...Then I was eating, for the last hour, a memorial."

Maverick stared at me for a full second. Then he said:

"I am writing that one down, I just don't have a pen."

A man in an apron crossed the dining room. Bobby Lee, son of the founder. He climbed the platform with the calm of a man who has done this ten thousand times and still likes it.

"Sir. You finished."

"I finished."

"Your name goes on the wall."

He led me to it. It was longer than I had expected. Thousands of names. Joey Chestnut. Frank Pastore. Molly Schuyler, who had done three of these in twenty minutes and was prevented from a fourth by Bobby's brother calling "calf rope" across the dining room.

"How do you spell your name."

"...East."

"East."

"I came from there."

"All right, East it is."

He took a marker. In a free square between a man named Travis and a woman named Esther, he wrote, in black ink, in front of children:

EAST

The boy with the longhorn balloon read it out loud. "East."

"Correct."

"What's that mean."

"It means the morning. You will see me in it tomorrow, and so will everyone in this room."

The boy looked at his mother.

"Mom, the samurai is gonna be in the morning."

"...Okay, baby."

"He told me."

"...Okay."

Maverick handed me a t-shirt. It read: I FINISHED THE 72 OZ STEAK CHALLENGE AT THE BIG TEXAN.

"...I have not paid."

"You finished. It's free."

"...I have been given a meal worth the price of a duel, in exchange for the duel."

"That's how it works."

"Then I have been honored beyond the contract."

I bowed to Bobby Lee. I bowed to Maverick. I bowed to Darla. I bowed to the boy with the longhorn balloon. The boy bowed back. The dining room, all six hundred and fifty seats of it, bowed back, none of them sure why, all of them sure they should.

I walked to the door. The cowboy in the black hat was still there.

"How'd it go, partner."

"My name is on a wall in Texas."

"Hell yeah it is. Walk slow on the way out, you hear?"

"A man who has just won a duel does not run from the field."

"Damn right."

Outside, the Texas sky was the color of a baked potato split open. The bull statue stared at me without comment.

I drove east. Slowly. T-shirt in the passenger seat. Name on a wall behind me. A small boy somewhere in Amarillo telling his mother that the samurai is going to be in the morning.

In my country, when a man wins a duel, his name goes in a family register, in ink, by an elder who has watched him grow. Here, when a man finishes seventy-two ounces of beef, his name goes on a wall, in black marker, by the son of the man who started the wall, in front of a boy with a longhorn balloon.

It is the same ceremony.

A samurai does not eat seventy-two ounces of beef twice in one life. He does not have to. He has done it once, in front of a room, and the room remembers, and the wall remembers, and the boy with the balloon remembers, and the morning will arrive tomorrow with my name in it.

I am no longer a stranger.

I am on the wall.

https://t.co/cbJ9rBhbYU

[Polymarket Sports @PolymarketSport]

The fact that a player did this to Caitlin Clark during the game and nothing was done about it until the next day is unacceptable.

[Supreme Grillmaster Vanir @Dark_Asgard_]

My wife walking into the living room in the morning after having a dream where I cheated on her.

[The Drunk Republican @DrunkRepub]

If the races were reversed Minneapolis would be in flames by now

[Daily Wire @realDailyWire]

All that just to give it back 💀

[Sali @salisthoughts]

Everyone needs to keep reposting this and tagging @CathyEngelbert @WNBA

[Max Twain @MaxTwain24]

Never has a photo so completely encapsulated the total and complete failure of the @wnba’s leadership.

Never in the history of sports has a golden goose been so deliberately squandered.

[Remy R.E.D ✝️🇺🇸 @TheRemyRed]

It’s almost like people go to baseball games for baseball, not gay propaganda.
Baffling….

[Tiffany @vol212320]

My husband when another Amazon package I didn’t tell him about arrives

[greg @gandalf_thegreg]

toddlers to people with deformities in the grocery store