Katie Burch

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[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

If you’re not a minority, but still want to know what it feels like to be judged, try vaping in a designated smoking area.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Someone just stopped outside my house, had a ciggie, then kept driving. I can only assume they were a massive disappointment to their parents, as we all are.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

@AlDelBene @BeckFlatley @WhoopiGoldberg @thecassassin @iliza @JessicaKirson @WendyLiebman @anylaurie16 @Ruth_A_Buzzi @BonnieTangey @natashaleggero @StephBroadbrid1 @BecDeUnamuno @WhitneyCummings @paulapoundstone Thank you Al for drawing attention to the inactivity of my Twitter account, that’s all I fucking need right now.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Remember when we used to wet handfuls of toilet paper and throw them at the ceiling in the school toilets? Those were the days...

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

@mattokine Last week.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Cigarettes should be sold individually and marketed with the slogan ‘Go on, remember the good times.’

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Being a cult member for a couple of years has left me quite gullible. I wonder if hypnosis could cure me.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Remember when there was no such thing as poo-joggers? Those were simpler times

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

@JasonSCampbell Great question Katie, I assume he did it by emulating a man.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

@JasonSCampbell How did that guy with shark eyes get a wife?

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

@_tomcashman Please don’t tweet shit like this while I’m vaping in a hotel bathroom Tom

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

I got an audition to be the voice of an animated hot chip. I’m so excited that the next time a talent manager asks me what direction I want my career to go, I’ll finally have an answer.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

I think I just went to my first and last amateur poetry night.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

“Miss Burch you haven’t returned your room key... you’ve given me a Dan Murphys liquor card.”

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Just clicked on an article to find out ‘how puppies were rescued from a drain’ only to have a virus pop up on my computer. Never again will I let my guard down for puppies.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

I opened for @NorahJones tonight. Didn’t swear. Yes, I am amazing. #familyfriendly

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

I just opened a bandaid with no bandaid in it. First Aid training did not prepare me for this moment.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Got a complaint about my ‘offensive material’ while in the same lineup as Steve Hughes. I must be nailing it.

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

@1beautifulbogan Stop! Keep going

[Katie Burch @_KatieBurch]

Performing with a lineup of people who all have 50K followers is a great reminder that I am an enormous piece of shit.