Rubsomedirtonit™️

[Rubsomedirtonit™️ @_rubdirtonit]

Walks into confessional.
Slides phone through slot.

[Rubsomedirtonit™️ @_rubdirtonit]

people be like oh gas is under four dollars and go buy a mattress

[barrel rolls @barrel_rolls]

getting overstimulated and chewing through the tire swing in my enclosure

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

Sorry, I have to go home and feed my pet peeves

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

Babe calls it breaking wind.

[Buddawiggi @MarkBuckawicki]

Another day of my codependent politeness being mistaken for sarcasm again

[Lammie_Art @Lammie_Art01]

A fly will enter your house through a microscopic gap in the space time continuum but cannot locate a fully open patio door for 6 8 business hours

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

My childhood doll went by the name Malaria Fern. Took her quinine like a champ.

[Darla @ddsmidt]

Ever accidentally heart something you actually really dislike, then you’re like “oh my God, get it off me.”

[Forward March @RunOldMan]

When I think I'm sick, I usually check WebMD . . . not once has it ever said, "there is nothing wrong with you."

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

Most people don’t know that the D in Sunny-D stands for dick which is the main flavor.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

To everyone who wrote “Don’t ever change” in my
high school yearbook….I have terrible news

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

Inflation is so high a picture is worth 2000 words

[Rubsomedirtonit™️ @_rubdirtonit]

before you hit send, know no one gaf

[DJB @Skinwalker5110]

They don't ID you at the liquor store anymore once they've seen that the light has left your eyes.

[Ramin Nasibov @RaminNasibov]

Decaf coffee is brown sadness water.

[FIORE @drakebonergif]

the beef jerky from dollar tree is people

[trash jones @jzux]

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no friends. no family. no groom. just me and an open bar

[LaLaLyds @LaLa_Lyds]

Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

You can tell a lot about a woman by how quickly she produces pepper spray.

[barrel rolls @barrel_rolls]

i’m the black mold of the family