frozen banana salesman/child, esq.

another controversial woman. optometrist by nature. when you look at me all you see is slippin jamie.

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

I also love being able to collaborate with my sisters

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

The Onion has acquired Infowars in a bankruptcy auction.

They plan to debut a new Infowars in January that will serve as parody, mocking weird Internet personalities like Alex Jones.

The Onion CEO says they acquired it because “this is the funniest thing that has ever happened”

[Kevin Negandhi @KevinNegandhi]

Look at the reaction of grown men who have played football for decades and are at the top of their profession watching Saquon Barkley do something they have never seen before.

[Zack Bornstein @ZackBornstein]

wouldn’t call dumping a bear in Central Park “a normal life”

[Mark Cuban @mcuban]

@BillyM2k Scared No. Didn’t trust him to keep a private conversation private. Yes.

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

.@innocence client #RobertRoberson could be the first person executed in U.S. history on Oct. 17 based on the discredited shaken baby hypothesis. Join me in calling @GovAbbott to #SaveRoberson from execution for a crime that never occurred 361-264-9653: https://t.co/ZaY9GHoDlk

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

I hope my future children love me as much as Gus Walz loves his dad

[Charlotte Clymer 🇺🇦 @cmclymer]

A young man who has that much confidence and strength in his own skin, so much that he readily and tearfully cheers for his father on national television, doesn’t need any pity from the rest of us. If anything, we should be following his lead.

[Josh Reynolds @JoshReynolds24]

All jokes aside, this has to be studied… Nick Castellanos going deep every single time there is a tragedy or something newsworthy is legitimately unlike anything I’ve ever seen in sports history. There can’t be any type of logical explanation. No words.

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

showing my husband my old draft tweets and watching him realize he did NOT do enough diligence before our wedding

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

Just went through all my drafts and there is some good content in there but boy oh boy am I unhinged

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

i think my fiancé childproofed my phone

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

sisters by blood, friends by choice <3333

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

just absolutely wrecked this girl’s vid of her kale salad and hubby <3 by loudly gasping “look at that ice cream sundae holy fucking shit” and then audibly salivating

[Nature is Amazing ☘️ @AMAZlNGNATURE]

This video of pandas just being pandas while a zookeeper desperately tries to rake leaves is the best video on the internet

[Charlie O'Connor @charlieo_conn]

Gritty dressed as a mermaid for Halloween and came down from the rafters to Under the Sea, by the way. That happened.

[Gritty @GrittyNHL]

we unda da sea

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

I just told my cousin I was a millennial and not gen z and she looked at me with actual pity and said “aw that’s such an L”

[frozen banana salesman/child, esq. @_thehamburgler]

I keep getting yelled at for random shit at my job and it’s honestly flattering that anyone thinks I’m important enough that yelling at me will change anything