aamir khalil (عامر)

A series of unfortunate events

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

A humble apology to the great Sir Rabindranath Tagore for this.

[Vir Das @thevirdas]

Have a look at the comments section or dms of any girl in India. Then maybe we can lecture them about their own language.

[Yasir K @yasirkhalilme]

@MaxHealthcare what a spectacular display of efficiency you’ve managed to orchestrate today! The patient has been waiting patiently since 10 AM, mind you because clearly, time stands still for your mighty process. It’s 3 PM, and the discharge is still a distant dream. What an absolute masterclass in harassing attendants, crafting a nightmare experience, and redefining inefficiency. Truly, pathetic doesn’t even begin to cover it.

[Captain Obvious™️ @TheFungi669]

Just in: Tim Cook is stepping down as CEO of Apple. I wish Trump would also step down.

Of course, I’m comparing apples to oranges.

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees.

$30 per seat per month.

$1.4 million annually.

I called it "digital transformation."

The board loved that phrase.

They approved it in eleven minutes.

No one asked what it would actually do.

Including me.

I told everyone it would "10x productivity."

That's not a real number.

But it sounds like one.

HR asked how we'd measure the 10x.

I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards."

They stopped asking.

Three months later I checked the usage reports.

47 people had opened it.

12 had used it more than once.

One of them was me.

I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds.

It took 45 seconds.

Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations.

But I called it a "pilot success."

Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail.

The CFO asked about ROI.

I showed him a graph.

The graph went up and to the right.

It measured "AI enablement."

I made that metric up.

He nodded approvingly.

We're "AI-enabled" now.

I don't know what that means.

But it's in our investor deck.

A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT.

I said we needed "enterprise-grade security."

He asked what that meant.

I said "compliance."

He asked which compliance.

I said "all of them."

He looked skeptical.

I scheduled him for a "career development conversation."

He stopped asking questions.

Microsoft sent a case study team.

They wanted to feature us as a success story.

I told them we "saved 40,000 hours."

I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up.

They didn't verify it.

They never do.

Now we're on Microsoft's website.

"Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot."

The CEO shared it on LinkedIn.

He got 3,000 likes.

He's never used Copilot.

None of the executives have.

We have an exemption.

"Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction."

I wrote that policy.

The licenses renew next month.

I'm requesting an expansion.

5,000 more seats.

We haven't used the first 4,000.

But this time we'll "drive adoption."

Adoption means mandatory training.

Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches.

But completion will be tracked.

Completion is a metric.

Metrics go in dashboards.

Dashboards go in board presentations.

Board presentations get me promoted.

I'll be SVP by Q3.

I still don't know what Copilot does.

But I know what it's for.

It's for showing we're "investing in AI."

Investment means spending.

Spending means commitment.

Commitment means we're serious about the future.

The future is whatever I say it is.

As long as the graph goes up and to the right.

[Sophie Vershbow @svershbow]

There is too much happening for mid-December. Where are the cancelled meetings? Why are we not circling back next year?

[Shivani @meme_ki_diwani]

CONSENT.

[Shivam Bahuguna @JanusBlinked]

The last time so many people were pissed off about indigo was during the Champaran satyagraha

[Troy Osinoff 🕺 @yo]

Spotify Wrapped is the most successful marketing tactic of the last ten years

Built on one simple idea:

People are obsessed with themselves

[Sam Altman @sama]

Small-but-happy win:

If you tell ChatGPT not to use em-dashes in your custom instructions, it finally does what it's supposed to do!

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

My Bluedart package is OFD since morning, but I haven’t been contacted by delivery executive yet. Could you please ensure the delivery at the earliest? It’s quite urgent 🚨 DM’d you the AWB# @BlueDartCares @BlueDart_

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

@help_delhivery @delhivery It has been four days I have been following up here

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

.@delhivery @help_delhivery Yet another instance of extremely terrible experience with you folks. Shipment picked on 4th October, with promised delivery date of 8th October, is still lying in the same city. No satisfactory response from anywhere!

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

@help_delhivery @delhivery Either get my package delivered to the destination, or if you are unable to give it back to me. It’s been 11 days the package is lying around in Noida @delhivery @help_delhivery

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

@help_delhivery Any update on this?!

[aamir khalil (عامر) @aamirkhalil_]

@help_delhivery If you people are unable to deliver, simply return my package. This is disgusting and deplorable