michael jordan b. peterson

former quarterback at University of Phoenix Online

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

I’m so pale I haven’t changed color since I was a sperm.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Got recognized for being a comedian at Hobby Lobby the other day. Unfortunately I was at Hobby Lobby so I had to say “that wasn’t me”.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

@PanickedWaddle @DantePowell @kylekinane @BoogieMnstrPod Woahhhhhhh

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

As a kid my parents didn’t let me read Harry Potter bc of the witchcraft. If I have a kid, I won’t let them read Harry Potter because I don’t want them to be lame.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

“What part of ‘I hate myself’ do you not understand?” -me to the imaginary therapist in my head (who looks and sounds exactly like Dr. Phil)

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Back into pet portraits again.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

My Starbucks order is “grande iced americano, no cream, no sugar, you should think about unionizing”

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

While I like my current self, I am horrified by earlier models. This was the 2018 Scarbrough which had to be recalled.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

@KaseyFamous Loosely based on a real guy.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Top o the mornin to ya.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Tandalf.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

I bought a cold brew today without even looking at my checking account. Suck it, haters.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Of all cultural trademarks we Kansas Citians take pride in, by far the two most prevalent are as follows:
1. BBQ
2. Discussions about the effects of humidity.

[Aaron Maté @aaronjmate]

Disaster Narcissism:

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

@Bpaint Music to my ears

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

On any given day, I’m convinced I either have zero haters or 7.75 billion haters.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

@bademitch51 Thanks

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Today I told a property management company to go fuck themselves and I’ll let you know if the consequences are worse than how good I feel right now but I wouldn’t plan on it.

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

@stacycay I’m actually in Joplin tonight so spirits will be high I’d imagine. Tomorrow at Rino will be interesting. Lol

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

Did you hear that the Supreme Court voted to fuck up my comedy shows this weekend?

[michael jordan b. peterson @aaronscarby]

A group of more than 4 crows is called a murder. Whereas, 4 or more cats is called mental illness.