Kaizo Surpriso

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

scrolling Instagram. Wow a Man I betrayed got married. Good for Noah he got into grad school. He seems to have recovered from my betrayal. woah Mike just had a son. One day I will betray the boy. As I did his father

[Harry Houthini @2bmrap]

You got a cash cab
I wanna quiz for a little bit of money

[WH @hastifliche]

Up early and well vittled at the public house of one McDonald, whom I gather is a rich man & quite pouerful, but presents himself in effigy in the person of a clown. And my lady Cardwell fondled me quite jollily beneath the tables there.

[snuppydogg @snuppydogg]

@MesolithicMike Sometimes I look at reviews of emergency rooms and they're all like this

[largest rodent @capybaroness]

duke leto: can any of you tell me what the biggest number is?

gurney hallack: i dunno.........22? 23?

thufir hawat (eyes rolling back in his head): one million my lord

[walker @walkercapl]

me: Come quick. I see something Lynchian
wife: Is it another bug crawling in the dirt
me: [getting angry and lying] No It's something else

[Ben M-J @V_Ben]

Pack it up, pack it in, batman begin

[dylan @narrenhut]

Steve Harvey: the category is “what you don’t want your eunuch doing.”

Emperor Qin Shi Huang: After much reflection, Mr. Harvey, the fortunes point me to “scheming.”

Steve Harvey: show me “scheming”!

(Buzzer dings, first tile flips over, Harvey and audience start going crazy)

[Kaizo Surpriso @abattoirded]

@coopercooperco till the files stink

[Kaizo Surpriso @abattoirded]

@paleoteny Is that a Gustav Dore engraving?

[Blake ™ @NeilNevins]

“Human is okay. But ape is MORE difficult.”

“YES…”

[I Love Christmas. @Paynuspain]

2002 Eminem Attack of the Clones tie-in song: Hello Artoo Deetoo. Pleased to meet you. I heard you and your boyfriend in the closet going beep boop beep boop
(R2D2 scream sound)
Dooku, Saddam what’s the difference. Cheney got no business, sending men to die in Iraq or Geonosis.

[Patrick Doran @lunch_enjoyer]

@ericriveracooks (immortal technique voice)
I once knew a squidward
whose real name was squilliam
his main concern was fanciness and millions

[Kaizo Surpriso @abattoirded]

@realonx1 @thottbaio He's jpreg (jerry pregnant)

[ELLɅ MɅCHINɅ @orchidcamp]

guy hearing about the mcdonald's happy meal for the first time: [eyes welling up with tears] a happy meal. i think i'd like that. i'd like that very much

[furby hancock @furby_hancock]

coffee only gives you the jitters if you have an imperfect will