Andrew Petersen

NYC • SF • MN

[BuffaloRon @BuffaloRon]

Me: I'm going to eat healthy

Lettuce: I'm going to give you explosive diarrhea

Oreos in the pantry: I would never do that to you

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

@TheReelRandom My Etsy witch was running a special

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

@RepJackKimble Exactly what hanging out with a vegetable is like

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

And Aidy Bryant gives a young aunt Lydia

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

Peppermints boobs have gotten huge!

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

What a rotten deal we made with Iran. We get nothing (except laughter at our stupidity). They get everything, including delay and big cash!

[Jenni @hashjenni]

Mamdani has been mayor for 163 days

- Fully balanced the budget
- Secured budget for universal childcare
- Filled 100,000 potholes
- Knicks win the NBA Finals

You can’t tell me socialism doesn’t work.

[Rubén @xoxorubenangel]

Never considered Mamdani having knees…

[The Weather Channel @weatherchannel]

UFC Freedom 250 is facing a chaotic weather setup on the White House South Lawn, with a 60% chance of thunderstorms, heavy downpours, and wind gusts up to 34 mph threatening to delay the outdoor fights. On top of the storm risk, brutal D.C. humidity is driving a triple-digit heat index alongside massive swarms of mosquitos and gnats that fighters will have to battle inside the cage. While the venue’s massive 92-foot overhang will keep the octagon dry, a single lightning strike within eight miles will trigger an automatic 30-minute freeze on the entire event.

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

Hey Claude, I need an investigation opened. I'm being accused of not knowing enough about this company. I want receipts. Proof. Timelines. Go the distance.

[Jackie Chea ⚖️ @Fair_and_Biased]

Marco Rubio realizing he has to become a popstar to perform at the nation’s 250th.

[Angry Staffer @Angry_Staffer]

Marco Rubio when he finds out he’s the new Director of National Intelligence

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

@Ticketmaster you suck I hate how much you ruin the concert experience. You don’t do anything to keep bots out and real people have to pay astronomical prices in resale.

Next administration better regulate you into oblivion.

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

@FLOTUS Shut up

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

I’d rather just not leave the country.

[Headquarters @HQNewsNow]

If you're renewing your passport or your National Parks pass this year, it will have Trump's face on it

[Noah @NoahKingJr]

Me helping Claude code review the code that written by Claude:

[Andrew Petersen @Abpetersen8]

I feel like this couch I bought a few months ago has been the best bang for buck. A plush lovely place to relax. 😌

[𝖗𝖊𝖉✞ @_redfeels]

Throwing all my company's confidential info into ChatGPT to respond to one email

[Brian Krassenstein @krassenstein]

This one is so much more accurate than the original.

[Rachel True @RachelTrue]

Wanna see maga bleed out of their eyes?

Show them the actual voting map by population