Alison Spiess Montag

I don't even know what I'm doing here, but sometimes I tweet stupid things my husband says.

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

@hulu Every season finale of Survivor starts the episode in the middle, at the 45 minute mark of a 90 minute episode. It happens when I haven't even previously seen part of the episode. This bug forces me to see spoilers...

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

I don't know anything about wine, I just know things about people knowing things about wine.

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"Remember when they used to have baked potatoes on the salad bar?"
"Yeah, that one guy was pissed when they got rid of them. I bet he quit."

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"Speaking of dead things.... Did you lock up the chickens?"

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"That's who runs the world: librarians who are getting kids access to Wu Tang."

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"That argument was so woke."
"What does that mean!?"

[The New York Times @nytimes]

Moments after the gavel sounded on the $1.4 million sale of the Banksy artwork, an alarm sounded and it slipped through a shredder hidden in the frame, cutting it to pieces. https://t.co/XrVGfFwR7y

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"The lamp is right behind you. You've never looked so..."
"Backlit?"
"...radiant..."

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"Nero ruined my face."
"He didn't ruin your face, it was already ruined."

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

@ajmontag The crispy kind of chips.

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

I had already decided the North Lamar Transit Center was garbage when a bird pooped on me.

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

@ScienceCarlson @ajmontag Just another wise revelation straight from his own brain.

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"Every source has it's source" @ajmontag

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"I'm buying more stocks."
"Stop squandering our money! I'm doing that with clothes!"

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"If I'm in a coma for more than a year..."
"I was thinking more like a month."

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"Get your fuckin' vegetables off the ground. You have skewers sticking out."

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"What's in your bag, ma'am?"
"Vegetables!!!"

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

Yep, there's plenty of room there for a nap.

[Audubon Society @audubonsociety]

You may never look at pigeons the same way. https://t.co/MFVJDeqeAa

[Alison Spiess Montag @alispss]

"God didn't invent toilet paper. Mr. Toilette invented toilet paper."